You couldn't make it up: Walk the dog?

Some stories are simple misunderstandings that will keep us laughing for days. Here are the funniest stories that our reader's have sent into us for the March and April editions of the magazine. 

The lunchtime retirement party had gone on longer than I had expected, so I was running late. I still had to walk the dog this evening and he would be waiting impatiently.

Swaying slightly as the alcohol I had consumed hit me, I let myself in through the back door. I slipped the dog lead off its hook, picked up the poo bags and headed off on our walk.

The evening stroll lasted about an hour, and I returned home with a much clearer head, only to be greeted by a laughing wife and a confused-looking labrador.

“Are you going to take Ralph with you next time?” the wife chuckled as I gazed down at the empty lead in my hand.

DENNIS PEASNELL, Herts

My partner and I had not long moved into our rurally-located new house. Being a nature lover, I was excited to learn of several sightings of wild boar in the area.

Two weeks in, while my husband was at work, I was sitting in the garden when I heard the unmistakeable grunt of a group of pigs. Although it seemed quite distant it was very frequent, almost rhythmic throughout the morning, and I eagerly posted my finding onto the local community social media group.

When my husband arrived home at lunchtime, I excitedly dragged him into the garden to share my news.

As we sat poised to listen, he whispered: “It’s difficult to hear anything over the sound of that pneumatic drill they’re using to dig the bottom of the road out.”

Of course, I never told him or the online community that my wild boars were in fact just the rumblings of a busy workman with a drill.

NICOLA RICHARDSON, Sussex

While waiting for a cataract operation, I couldn’t wear my contact lenses so reverted to my old glasses.

A friend saw me in the pub and said, “You’re looking very studious in your glasses. It’s the most intelligent that I’ve seen you in a long time!”.

CAROLINE DODD, Cheshire

Not so long ago, I took my grandparents on a trip to Guildford. The regular road back was closed, so Granny suggested another route she used to take. It was not successful. We ended up at a roundabout she had either forgotten about or didn’t know existed. After three trips round, we ended up on the motorway heading into London—the exact opposite way to where we wanted to go.

Two and a half hours and a lot of stress later, when we were finally home in the driveway, Grandpa pointed to the screen in the centre console of the car. “This thing has a built-in sat nav, you know.”

REBECCA ORAM, Hampshire

We were sharing our safari holiday photographs with our friends. They started giggling at a photo of the cockerel that had flown up onto the table after breakfast and been busy helping to clear up the leftovers.

“The Cornflakes box came to life!” my holiday buddy explained.

“You’re lucky it wasn’t Frosties!” a friend quickly replied. 

ANITA KAUR

Several years ago I was teaching in Melbourne. Like most Brits down under, I wanted to make the most of my time in Oz, so I would take every chance to travel around the far corners of Australia.

On one trip, myself and three friends went as far into the Outback as it is possible to go, camping and trekking in Arnhem Land in the Northern Territory. There were plenty of crocodiles and smaller, deadly critters to make this pom nervous.

After picking up some provisions from an isolated shop near an even more isolated settlement, we reached a creek which had to be forded. It was a likely spot for dangerous salt water crocodiles to be loitering, so all of us were admonished to keep an eye out for any "salties" as our land cruiser entered the water.

At first the water only reached the top of the wheels, but within seconds it was lapping at the windows. My heart was beating fast as I peered out, searching for any suspicious looking logs floating towards us.

Suddenly there was a scream from the back seat. "Ah! Get it off, it hurts!"

I spun round, certain I was about to see a horrifyingly grizzly spectacle. It turned out one of my friends had bought a hot pie in the isolated little store. The contents, hotter than the Arnhem Land sunshine, had spilled onto his bare legs as we bumped through the creek.

We made it to the other side with no salties sighted. Just one passenger with a very sore leg.

NEIL JOPSON, Kent

Recently at work I received a sample umbrella for our business and duly went to open it in the office and see it in all its glory.

A colleague warned me it was bad luck, to which I called them daft.

The umbrella was great, and I closed it and went to sit down at my desk, at which point the back fell off of my chair and I collapsed on the floor with my colleagues laughing.

This was followed an hour later with me picking my (thankfully) lukewarm cup of coffee up and the handle breaking, covering my desk and my trousers in coffee.

I for one will not be opening an umbrella inside again any time soon.

LUKE RUSSELL, Wakefield

When our ageing labrador, Rosie, started to suffer from arthritis, I jokingly suggested we fit a stairlift for her so she could still get upstairs. 

My teenage daughter turned to me and said with great relief, "Mummy, what a good idea! And then you’ll have it ready for when you get old. You might even need it before Rosie!" 

I was in my early forties!

NICOLA DALEY, Carlisle

My daughter was sick, so I put her to sleep with me in the big bed and my husband slept in the single bed that night. When he woke up, he was very uncomfortable and the bed was full of glitter.

I asked my daughter, who was six years old at the time, why she had so much glitter on her bed.

She replied, "I would like Daddy to have a magical night with colourful dreams as a thank you for letting me sleep with Mum."

GISELLE CISTERNA, London