You Couldn't Make It Up: A day off in Looe

Some stories are so funny that they're almost unbelievable but often the truth is stranger than fiction. Here are the funniest stories that our reader's have sent into us for the March and April editions of the magazine. 

My brother-in-law recounted how, several years ago, he would make regular visits to France.

He said he was very impressed that every time he pulled into a petrol station, he would be greeted with a “Well, hello!” by the attendant, and would reply, “Well hello to you!”. He could never understand how they all knew he was British and were all so polite to him.

Then someone pointed out that what they were actually saying was, “Huile ou l’eau?” (Oil or water?).

CLED HERBERT, Northumberland

"Mum, how come your eyes are so blue?"

"They've always been bright and sparkly," I say, smiling, with an extra glint now at the comment from my 13-year-old son.

"Must be the excitement of this short trip away," I add, really taken with this enlivening image of my holiday self.

"No, underneath." He pats the skin by his eyes as if rubbing salt into the wound.

NICKY TORODE, Hastings

While staying on a short break in a fairly remote seaside cottage in Wales, my friends and I decided we would like to go to a pub for a few drinks and an evening meal.

None of us wanted to drive, so I called a taxi we had used previously. The taxi driver had quite a broad Welsh accent, and I had trouble understanding him properly when he answered the phone. I told him what we wanted and he replied with what sounded like, “I am having a rest” (well, it was a Sunday).

"Oh sorry," I said, “you are having a rest”.

"No no,” came the reply.

Speaking very slowly to me, he said, "I am in Haverford West. I'll be with you in 20 minutes.”

ROB WARDEN, Hampshire

An author friend of mine was helping a grandchild with some homework and dismissed the complaint, "I've got to write a whole paragraph," with the comment, "That's not too bad. I write whole books." She was floored by the response.

"Yes, but mine has to be good." Out of the mouths of babes.

MAGGIE COBBETT, Ripon

I asked my best friend to help me lose weight and keep me away from chocolate, and it was doomed to fail.

I met up with her for coffee recently and her first question was, "So, how's it going without chocolate?"

I assured her that my diet was going very well and that I was proud of myself for abstaining from chocolate without any cheating at all. A total success.

"Really?" she replied, astonished. "Why is there a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup wrapper stuck to the sole of your shoe then?" Guilty as charged.

LEAH ROTTIER, Epenede, France

My four-year-old granddaughter was staying over and asked me for a drink of orange squash.

"What's the magic word?" I asked.

She said, "Izzy wizzy, let's get busy.'"

ANDREW BERRY, Lincoln

Many years ago, I worked in a timber yard. You can imagine we had some interesting little furry visitors. No one could leave any food on the premises, especially overnight, as in the morning we would find our furry guests had been busy.

One day our timber yard was adopted by a stray cat. Soon our furry problem dissipated. Every day, one of my workmates came in with a tin of cat food. Our stray soon took a shine to him.

Christmas was coming up, and the timber yard would be closed for a week. We were worried about the cat and how it would get fed. But my workmate had the answer. He would take it home with him.

A cardboard box was found and, after a bit of a struggle, the cat was put inside. It was then that we noticed they had not put any air holes in for the cat to breathe, so some were punched into the lid— unfortunately with the cat still in the box. A hiss from inside told us it was still alive.

After the holidays, we all returned, but the workmate who took the cat came in not only without the cat, but he also had a black eye.

“Where’s the cat?” we all asked.

“As soon as I opened the box, it ran off!” he said.

“Did it give you the black eye?,” we asked.

“Don’t be silly. This was from the wife. I forgot she is allergic to cats."

NORMAN STRONG, Hertfordshire

My wife and I were discussing how we should get a new carpet, when my eight-year-old son walked into the room and said, “Please, Mum, please, Dad, can we get a new pet for the car?”

DARRON BARNES, Hampshire

My husband saw a dog running backwards and forwards by our gate. “That’s the neighbour’s Beauceron—escaped yet again,” he grumbled.

He went outside and wrestled with the collarless dog, before bundling it into our car and taking it back to its home up the road. He came back ten minutes later, full of pride about his good deed for the day, and explained that our neighbours weren’t home, so he’d left the dog in a secure part of the garden for them.

Later that day, there was a knock on our door. Our neighbours came to tell us that they had found an unknown dog enclosed in their garden, while their own dog was safely inside the house!

LEAH ROTTIER, Epenede, France

Our youngest son has recently started his first job after leaving school and seemed to enjoy the work and get on well with his workmates. However, at the end of his third week he came home in an unusually miserable mood, having been told that he would be required to work on the Bank Holiday Monday, but would get a day off in lieu.

“But I don’t want to go to Looe,” he complained. “Why should I have to spend my day off going all the way to Cornwall? It’s not fair.”

He was much happier once we explained things.

VALERIE CROSSLEY, Sussex

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