Do your in-laws drive you mad?

The poor farm boy had married the rich girl from town, and now he had to endure her disapproving mother. The young couple couldn't afford a home of their own, so they moved in with her.

Thirty-three years later, long after the couple had moved to the White House, US President Harry Truman's mother-in-law Madge Gates Wallace was still there, ruling the dinner table. "It was very hard on my father," Truman's daughter Margaret said years later. "But he made it his business to get on because he loved my mother."

Winston Churchill's "darling Clementine" also learned early that she had married not just her husband but his strong-willed mother as well. When she and Winston came back from their honeymoon, the young bride discovered that Lady Randolph Churchill had completely redecorated the couple's new home in a far more elaborate style than Clementine had planned.

Today few families dwell with their in-laws, but even when the generations don't live together, daily phone calls and frequent visits often make it seem that way. Experts say that three-quarters of all married couples have problems with their in-laws, which can make the relationship a major source of unhappiness. Here are some of the most common in-law problems and ways to handle them; all names have been changed to protect couples’ privacy.

When teacher John Larson and his wife Winona were first married, her parents not only meddled in the young couple's affairs but seemed to ignore John when the four were together. "I feel like an outsider," John told Winona one day, just before a visit. "I need to know that I have your support." That was a turning point in their marriage.

From then on Winona made sure that John was included in all family conversations and activities. When her family began pressuring the couple to have a baby, she and John explained that they weren't ready for such a big responsibility. Gradually, Winona's parents began to accept their son-in-law and respect the couple's right to make their own decisions.

Georgia Creegan, a talented amateur singer, worked in an office to support her husband Michael while he studied for a degree. Her parents gave her £650 for vocal lessons because, as her mother said, "We want you to develop your ability to the fullest." But before she could start her lessons, Michael's tuition fees were due.

Since the couple had agreed their top priority was for him to finish his studies, Georgia used the gift to pay the tuition instead. Soon Georgia's parents avoided visiting when Michael was at home. If he answered the telephone, they brusquely asked to speak to her. Worse still, they began expressing doubts about him as a husband.

Concerned, Georgia asked her parents why they were acting that way. "We liked Michael at first," her mother explained. "But he isn't helping you to develop your talents. Look at the way he pressured you into spending our money on his tuition instead of your voice lessons."

“That money was a gift”, Georgia thought, surprised and slightly annoyed. “Why couldn't we spend it any way we wanted?” To keep the peace, she explained to her mother that she had paid the tuition willingly and promised to start saving for singing lessons. But she vowed to think twice before accepting money from her parents again.

Throughout the years, Winona Larson became annoyed by her mother-in-law's constant criticisms every time she and John made a significant purchase. "You really splurged when you bought that new car," her mother-in-law wrote after one visit to the couple's home.

Winona fumed as she read the letter. But instead of responding in kind, she realised that at least they shared a liking for letter writing. “Perhaps this could strengthen our relationship”, she thought. So, she began writing a chatty letter to her mother-in-law nearly every week about the family's activities.

Soon her mother-in-law was responding with detailed descriptions of her charity work and comments on current news. Says Winona, "Since I've learned to focus on what we have in common, we've become much closer."

Julie and Jeff Watkins had been married for 12 years when Jeff became seriously ill. Julie turned to her parents for help in paying the bills and in caring for their two young children. Her parents pitched in for almost a year and stayed involved even after Jeff recovered and returned to work.

When Jeff protested to Julie, she defended her parents. "We can't just push them away," she said. "They were there for us, and I can't hurt their feelings now." Then one evening, as Jeff and Julie were preparing dinner, her father suddenly appeared in the kitchen. "Nobody answered the door, so I just let myself in," he said. "What's to eat?"

This was too much for Jeff. "Your father wants to run our family," he fumed to Julie. "We've got to set limits." Julie finally agreed to talk with her parents.

"Mum and Dad, we love you and appreciate all you did for us last year," she said. "But we need to have our privacy back so that we can rebuild our family life." Hurt at first, Julie's parents soon realised that they didn't have to worry about their daughter's family anymore and could resume their own activities.

Janet Pils, a secretary, had bowed for years to her husband's domineering mother on where the family would spend seasonal breaks and holidays. On one occasion, her mother-in-law insisted that everyone come to her home for dinner—everyone, that is, except for Janet and John's eldest son, Tom, and his fiancée. "I can't stand that girl," she explained.

Janet discussed the problem with her husband, won his reluctant agreement and then confronted her mother-in-law. "We are not having a family meal without Tom," she said firmly. "He and his fiancée will be here with us. You are welcome to join us if you wish."

Janet heard nothing until two days before the day, when her mother-in-law announced that she was coming to Janet's gathering. "My resentment eased after that," Janet said. "I had taken a stand at last, and it paid off for everyone. We all ended up enjoying a happy day together.

The experiences of these families illustrate four keys to a successful relationship with your own in-laws:

"By presenting a united front, you may actually ease your in-laws' concerns," says Glen Jenson, a family and human-development expert. "If you show that you and your spouse really love each other, you're letting them know that their child makes you happy. Then they may realise that if their child loves you, perhaps they should, too."

2. Watch out for strings 

"If you want to get along with your in-laws, unhook yourself financially," says Jenson. "Also, beware of relying on Mum and Dad for regular childcare. It may be convenient and cheap, but it sets the stage for disputes over bringing up children."

Family therapist Penny Bilofsky agrees. "Getting connected in financial or child-rearing matters can damage the adult relationship you have with your parents," she says. "You may revert to a parent-child relationship, which can put you at odds with your spouse."

The first step in forging friendships is deciding how to address your in-laws. "This is critical," says Jenson. "In the early years of marriage, many couples avoid calling their in-laws by name, and this can create tension."

Before the wedding, settle on names acceptable to all—whether first names, "Mum and Dad" or "Mr and Mrs Smith"—and use them often. Spend time with your in-laws and take an interest in their work, hobbies, ideas and experiences. Knowing them better will make for fewer misunderstandings.

"If your in-laws' behaviour conflicts with your values or beliefs," says Penny Bilofsky, "speak up." Keep your comments to the issues at hand, rather than recounting past irritations. "Be polite but assertive," says Maria Mancusi, a family therapist. "Instead of trying to offer explanations, simply state your case and stick to your decision."