How to deal with children's behaviour problems
19th Mar 2024 Wellbeing
7 min read
Simple tasks can become extremely difficult when kids don't want to cooperate. Read our tips on how to deal with some common children's behaviour problems
My kids are fighting over toys
Few things are as exasperating as
listening to children fighting over a toy or anything else. While your first
inclination may be to banish the toy from existence, there’s a better way to
restore peace.
Take advantage of the situation
to teach your kids how to negotiate. The goal is to have them share the toy, or
whatever it is they are fighting over. Direct them toward a compromise but let
them work it out themselves.
"Take advantage of fights over toys by teaching kids how to negotiate"
Suggest possible solutions, such
as that one child gets the toy for the morning and the other gets it for the afternoon.
Teach them that every either/or situation can be turned into a “Why not both?”
agreement. And make sure they understand that sharing the toy does not mean
losing it for good.
My kids argue all the time
Just because siblings are related, this doesn’t mean they’re necessarily compatible. Fighting and arguing are a normal
part of growing up with brothers and sisters. Here are a few ways to keeping
the bickering in check:
- Establish clear and firm limits on unacceptable behaviour—no hitting, screaming, throwing things—and enforce them
- Provide a distraction. Put on some music and tell the kids it’s time to dance. Or invite a friend over for each of the squabbling siblings
- Try not to get overly involved in the cause of the disagreement. Encourage the children to work it out themselves
- If the arguing gets out of hand, call a time out for each child in separate places
- Use positive reinforcement. Praise your kids when they’re getting along
My child shies away from group activities
Not all children adapt readily to
group settings. So, what to do if your child, or a child you’re responsible for
(such as a visiting playmate), refuses to participate in group games?
One way to involve a child in a game without them playing is asking them to be a referee or in charge of scores (credit: Lukas (Pexels))
One approach is to get the child
involved without actually playing the game. If it’s a sports game, for example,
ask the child to help keep score, be the referee, or help decide disputes. This
will give the child a stake in the outcome and may encourage him or her to give
the game a try the next time.
A bully is tormenting my child
Research shows that one of the
best ways to deal with a bully is to have a buddy around. The buddy does not
necessarily have to be big or trained in the martial arts. Just having someone
be there often helps. Have your child stick with a friend on the school bus, on
the playground, or wherever the bullying is occurring.
"One of the best ways to deal with a bully is to have a buddy around"
When that’s not possible, your
child should be equipped with appropriate responses to disarm the bully. Here
are several steps your child can take:
- Ignore the bully and walk away
- In an assertive but not aggressive way, tell the bully to stop
- Report the bullying to an adult
Make it clear to your child that they
could make matters worse by falling apart, crying, making a snide comeback, or
letting the bully know that they’re scared or upset. Make sure your child
doesn’t blame themselves for the bullying; the problem is with the bully,
not with your child.
My child won’t eat
The threat is probably as old as
civilisation itself: “You’re not leaving this table until you clean your
plate.” Thankfully, there are better ways to get children to eat their food.
Here are some of them:
- Involve your kids in menu planning and food preparation
- Offer your children foods cut into interesting shapes or that are otherwise visually appealing
- Switch meals around: pancakes for dinner, a hamburger for breakfast. When meals are surprising and fun, children may eat more
- Negotiate. No seconds of the favourite food—say, spaghetti— until your kids have tried some of the vegetables
- Encourage your children at least to try a new or rejected food, but don’t insist that they finish something they don’t like. Watching you eat and enjoy a rejected food might get them interested in it
- Take a relaxed approach and don’t turn the dining table into a battleground. As long as your children are healthy, fluctuations in food intake are not a cause for alarm. Offer a variety of nutritious options and let your kids develop their own tastes and preferences
I need to get my children to pick up after themselves
Children are experts at mess-making: give them chores and praise them when they complete them well (credit: Allen Taylor (Unsplash))
Kids are very good at making a
mess, less good at cleaning it up. Here are a few pointers:
- Every child’s routine should include a regular household chore suited to his or her age and abilities. Make it clear to your children that putting away their toys, for example, is a requirement, not an option
- Praise your kids when they do well; remind and cajole them when they don’t
- If your children still resist picking up after themselves, a good old threat now and then won’t do permanent damage. Tell them that if they don’t clean up right now, you’re going to take three items lying around the floor to your local charity shop (Be prepared to follow through!)
- If you have two or more kids, make a contest out of cleaning up. Whoever cleans the best or the fastest wins a prize
Getting my kids to sleep is a challenge
Going to sleep can sometimes be
the most trying part of a kid’s day—for you, the parent. Here are some ways to
help speed the process along:
- Establish a bedtime routine—with set times for bath, brushing teeth, slipping on pyjamas, reading a story, and such—and stick to it. Give your kids a little notice so they can wrap up what they’re doing before starting their bedtime preparation
- This tactic works particularly well for babies, but is good for toddlers, too: Strap the child in the car, put on some calming classical music, and take a slow drive around the neighbourhood. The movement of the car, the darkness of the night, and the soothing music will probably put the child to sleep
- If the kids are acting hyper, it’s next to impossible to get them to lie still. Turn this negative into a positive by playing a quick game of tag in the house. After ten or twenty minutes, everybody should be exhausted from running around
- Children can be very creative when it comes to avoiding going to bed. Don’t cave in. It’s OK to insist that they stay in bed and go to sleep
My kids don’t want to do their homework
Establish a clear schedule and the right environment for children doing homework (credit: Jessica Lewis (Unsplash))
Simply forcing children to hit
the books doesn’t always result in better grades. Here are some suggestions
from experts:
- Establish a clear, consistent after-school schedule, with time for relaxation, activities, and study. Homework doesn’t have to be done right after school, but it shouldn’t be left to the end of the day either, when everyone is tired
- Provide the right environment for homework. Some children can work happily at the kitchen table; others require quiet
- Try to be on hand when children are doing homework. Sit with younger ones and study with them. Make it fun for them. If memorisation is required, try singing the material
- Don’t interfere too much in your children’s homework. Help guide your kids to the answer; don’t give it to them
Going to the supermarket with my kids is an ordeal
Kids and shopping are often an
unhappy combination. But there are ways to make the experience less
exasperating for you.
- Try to avoid going shopping with your kids when they’re tired, hungry, or not feeling well
- Keep the kids occupied and distracted. Bring along toys and books, and make sure to interact with them
- It can be frustrating for a child to watch you pick item after item from your list and have all his or her requests turned down. Instead of saying no each time your child asks for something, say instead, “Let’s add it to the list.” When you’ve finished shopping, read back the items on your child’s list and let him or her pick one or two of those items
My kids’ whining is driving me crazy
You’ve probably heard the old
adage: “Your child knows your magic number.” Your kids ask for something—sweets
in the supermarket checkout line, for instance, or an extra 30 minutes of
TV—and you say no. Then they’ll keep asking, over and over, until they hit the
magic number of noes, when you either give in or lose your temper.
Well, the old adage has been
backed up by research. Here’s the simple solution (also backed up by research):
the next time your children ask for something, such as sweets, and your answer
is no, say no.
"When your children ask for something and your answer is no, say no"
If they whine or keep asking for the sweets, wait five seconds
and then give a warning, such as “If you ask me again, you’ll get a time-out”
(or whatever punishment is appropriate). The third time, follow through. Stick
with this simple routine, and your magic number will become one.
My child had a bad day
When children come home from
school or the playground complaining about having had a bad day, because they
got into a fight, for example, or lost a favourite toy, parents tend to both
downplay the incident and problem-solve. These responses can seem insensitive
to children and may even keep them from confiding in you in the future.
If your child has had a bad day, what they need most from you is empathy (credit: Jordan Whitt (Unsplash))
Chances are, what they really
need is empathy. A good way to demonstrate empathy is through a technique
called reflective listening, in which you gently repeat what your child is
telling you. This makes your youngster feel that you’re really listening and
sharing his or her emotional experience.
Fear of the dark keeps my child awake
What child isn’t afraid of the
dark at some point? Night-lights or desk lamps help some of the time, but not
always, especially not if your child is having vivid nightmares. Often after
bad dreams, your child will want to sleep in your bed.
"For your child's and your benefit, don't let them sleep in your bed if they're scared of the dark"
For your child’s benefit and
yours, don’t allow it. Walk your child back to his or her room and sit for a
little while, if that helps, rubbing your child’s back or singing a song.
Create a calming ritual. But do not linger too long. You want your child to
overcome his or her fears independently.
Banner photo: Some common behavioural problems in children, and how to sort them (credit: Caleb Woods (Unsplash))
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