7 Effective ways to fix a family feud, according to experts
BY Edwin Kiester and Sally Valente Kiester
11th Sep 2023 Inspire
4 min read
Family feuds can be among the most vicious of disputes but, with some careful mediating, there is always a way to come back from them
Tears came to Molly's eyes as she looked across the dinner
table at her three sons and their
families. Molly felt sad because four
faces were missing: those of her
youngest son Tom, his wife Eileen
arid their two children.
Years before,
Eileen and another of Molly's
daughters-in-law had stopped speaking after an incident they resolutely
refused to explain. Now they refused
even to be under the same roof.
Two years after David's first wife
died, he decided to marry again. He
asked his eldest son, Charles, to be
best man. Charles accepted, but then,
after a squabble over his father's cat, he suddenly backed out and wouldn't
even go to the wedding. Deeply hurt,
David cut off all contact with his son.
It was ten years before the two were
reconciled.
"Unfortunately, most feuds arise from petty incidents, the details of which are long forgotten"
As families become more mobile
and dispersed and their ties fragment,
virtually all of them seem to have
some ongoing feud. Often the anger
rages for years, painfully wounding
other family members, like Molly, as
much as the combatants.
Unfortunately, most feuds arise
from petty incidents, the details of
which are long forgotten, says Jay
Folberg, an experienced mediator of
family disputes. All that remains is
the carved-in-stone attitudes of parties too stubborn to take a conciliatory
step.
"I'd make up in a minute," one
of Molly's daughters-in-law told her.
"But I won't be the first to phone."
In these cases, it may be time for
a go-between. This could be a respected family member, a spiritual
adviser, a counsellor—or you.
"Despite the animosity and the duration of
the rift," says Jay Folberg, "it's an
odd person who doesn't ultimately
want a better relationship with people
he or she once loved."
If you'd like to bring harmony back
to your feuding family, here are some
strategies experts suggest:
1. Do it now
When you see hostilities escalating, step in quickly. The
longer you wait, the more embittered
participants become, and the harder
it is to make peace. "Remember
the clock is always running," says
psychologist Carl Zlatchin.
Bernice Itkin, a family counsellor
who has negotiated numerous deathbed reconciliations, recalls the case
of a mother who had bitterly denounced her son after he married someone of a different religion. Years had
passed since the two had spoken;
the woman had never seen her
grandchildren.
Finally, when the mother had only
days to live, the son relented. Tears
cascaded down her pillow as she
embraced him.
"Do you have photographs?" she asked in a quavering
voice. Moments later, she saw the
faces of her grandchildren for the first
time. "She died within a few days,"
Bernice Itkin says. "But I'm sure she
died smiling. I just wish all reunions
could occur in time."
2. Don't take favourites
Break
the ice with both parties simultaneously, making it clear you are strictly an intermediary. That's what Carolyn
and her brother Harold did after trying
to make peace between their mother
and aunt for nearly a year.
"Harold
went to Mum on the same evening I
saw Aunt Martha," says Carolyn.
"That way, neither could feel we had
approached the other first."
"Make it clear it's time to create a new history, not rewrite the old one"
According to Carl Zlatchin, "If you
talk to one before the other, you give
the impression that the two of you are
going to gang up on the third. You
want to avoid that."
Hear each side with a neutral ear.
And don't look for confessions or
apologies, says Folberg.
"Make it
clear it's time to create a new history,
not rewrite the old one." Adds
Zlatchin: "You can begin by saying, 'I don't know how this started, and I
don't care. I just know the whole
family is being hurt.' That kind of
appeal is hard to resist."
3. Establish ground rules
Ask
each party for suggestions about
where to meet and what to discuss.
Then compare the two lists. Agreement on minor points, such as who
sits where or who speaks first, can
foster discussion of larger issues.
Sometimes a traditional family
gathering can serve as a meeting
ground helping each party edge
towards the other in a warm, supportive atmosphere. Don't push the idea
too hard, however, if either party is
unwilling. Some feuders prefer to
attempt reconciliation in private,
where they feel less "on display."
Once they're face to face, let each
state his case without interruption by
the other. Keep the discussion centred
on problems and feelings, not personalities. Rule out remarks such as
"Sam has always had a mean streak"
or "Mary has it in for me because I'm
brighter."
Above all, follow the agreed meeting plan to the letter. Any deviation
may be seen as favouritism.
4. Try the "Columbo approach"
Bernice Itkin named this technique
after the ostensibly innocent manner
of the television detective.
"Now let
me see if I have this straight," you
might begin. "At the Christmas party
ten years ago, she spilled champagne
on your new dress, and you've been
angry ever since. Have I got that
right?"
Says Bernice Itkin, "When
you put it that way, people often see
how foolish they've been to blow an
incident so far out of proportion."
5. Recall happy times
When
Meredith was the go-between in a
longstanding disagreement between
her father and brother, she stressed
special moments the two had shared.
"Happiness in the past can mean happiness in the future"
"I said to Dad, 'Remember the cricket
game when you were umpiring and
called Jimmy out? How he cried, and
you comforted him and told him
people had to be fair even when it
hurt? Jimmy still remembers that.'
My dad got tearful and I knew I had
jumped the first hurdle."
"The message," says Zlatchin, "is
that happiness in the past can mean
happiness in the future. You have to
try and bring back the old close
feelings."
6. Don't expect miracles
Some
warring parties may agree to let
bygones be bygones. For others, the
reunion may never be complete.
"Mother and Aunt Martha seemed
relieved when their feud ended,"
Carolyn recalls, "although I doubt
they'll ever be close again. But it
certainly improved my relationship
with both of them."
Once the healing process has begun,
work to keep it going. A reconciliation of family members not only
frees combatants from the baggage of
old grudges but also benefits the
entire family. And it is those ties of
blood—in times of crisis and joy—that give families the strength and
support they need.
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