4 Signs your body image is ruining your sex life

I have good news and bad news. The good news is, body-image problems get better as we age. Our preoccupation with our appearance diminishes over time (especially over 40), and that happy leap into complacency removes much of our insecurity. We’ve learnt how to dress to suit our particular shape, and our outfit choices begin to aim for smart rather than smouldering.

However, there’s one time where we can’t hide behind flattering clothes—during sex. As far as I’m aware, Victoria’s Secret don’t sell thongs with tummy-control panels or boxer shorts with a built-in girdle. So sex is the time when how you look will most strongly affect how you feel.

A 2016 study published in the National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health revealed that the unhappier women were with their body, the less sex they wanted, and the fewer orgasms they had. Men aren’t safe from sexual body-shame either. Over a fifth of UK men say their body image has negatively affected their sex life, according to the Mental Health Foundation.

There are several clues that tell me your body image is affecting your sex life. Here they are, with my tips on fixing each one.

Hating your body can sometimes lead to hating sex, too. A 2016 study published in Electron Physician found women with a positive body image had higher sexual-function valuation, compared to women with a negative body image. (Sexual function means your ability to become and stay aroused, and your ability to orgasm.) Also, body-shape satisfaction was a predictor of sexual function.

Fix it:

Exercise will help here, in so many ways. It’ll improve your body, boost your happiness, and give you achievable goals. But most importantly it will hugely boost your libido.

Exercise helps raise your testosterone levels—which men and women both start to lose after the age of 40. Testosterone is a brilliant hormone for increasing your libido and your confidence. Weight-lifting is especially good for boosting testosterone. If that feels scary, then just getting out for a walk in the sunshine helps too. Twenty minutes of sunshine on your chest can raise your testosterone levels.

Exercise can help to boost your libido

Find a friendly quiet gym, or some YouTube workouts, or a local walking group or a dance class, and shake your thang. As often as you can, but at least 4 times a week for 25 minutes each time. You’re not allowed to argue with me about this! Or not until I get scared of your bicep strength.

It’s never too late to improve how your body feels. Over 60, exercise has other benefits too for cardiac health, lung capacity, cheerfulness and bone strength. But I find the libido-boost is the most motivating, as I’m struggling to get into a sports bra.

Insecure thoughts are intrusive. Not even the enjoyment of sex can drown them out. They’ll be circling your mind like a hungry shark, waiting to pounce the minute your partner puts their hand anywhere near your tummy.  

As you know, this hugely affects how much you enjoy sex. You’ll be stressed, which will increase your cortisol levels in your brain, and make it harder to orgasm. You’ll also probably blurt out questions like, “Is this OK? Do I look OK?” which won’t represent the sexual god or goddess you’d like to be.

Fix it:

Try mindfulness. This involves focusing on the present moment and the sensations you're experiencing, rather than allowing your mind to wander off onto self-critical thoughts.

Focus on noticing what is happening in bed, not how you look. Every time your mind wanders to your thighs, deliberately focus your attention back onto what is happening and how it feels. Whenever you find yourself thinking about your body, immediately switch your thoughts onto your partner’s body. 

Men sometimes train themselves not to do this, because thinking about what’s happening might make them finish too soon. If that’s the case, I’d recommend you use a delaying cream—you can buy them in chemists or online—to slightly reduce the sensations and allow you to fully immerse yourself in what’s happening. 

There’s nothing wrong with having sex in the dark. In fact, lowering visual stimuli can be a way of heightening sexual pleasure and anticipation—there’s a reason why blindfolds are a thing. Similarly, wearing underwear or clothes to bed and keeping them on can be really hot.

But needing total darkness or covert camouflage every time you have sex? That suggests that you’re trying to hide. You’re either hoping to disguise your perceived flaws from your partner or, most likely, from yourself.

Fix it:

You’re going to hate this idea, but please try it. We’re going to address your fear with exposure therapy. And I mean “exposure”.

When you’re alone and unlikely to be witnessed by a friendly postman, put on your best underwear. Make sure it’s the underwear you like, not anything red/crotchless/flammable bought by a partner. Get your phone. Lie on the bed and take some selfies of yourself—your face, body, chest, legs, everywhere.

Practice loving yourself!

Don’t panic—we’re not going to send these photos to anyone or post them on Facebook. They’re for your eyes only, because your eyes are the most critical.

Study these photos and find three things you like about each picture. While you’re looking at the image, you can use your hands to stroke and caress the area you’re appreciating. Notice how each part of your body responds to your touch. Move on into masturbation, or just commit your self-love to your memory.

Next time you’re in bed with your partner, bring those feelings of self-love back into your mind.

I have nothing against the missionary position. It’s the most popular sexual position in the world for good reason. It’s intimate because you can talk, you can kiss, you can hold eye contact. It’s arousing, because it uses full-body contact. It’s low-impact on your joints (really important if you have arthritis or osteoporosis) and isn’t so wildly stimulating down south that you’ll lose control within seconds.  

But, if you only have sex in the missionary position because it flattens your stomach and hides your bum, we have a problem.

Having sex the same way every time will lessen your enjoyment. Our brains thrive on dopamine, the happy chemical that is released during new activities. Remember how exciting it was making love to your partner the first time? Dopamine. When your sex life becomes a well-trodden routine, it will lose a lot of its excitement. 

Fix it:

This is the one time I’ll advise you to fake it in the bedroom. Research has consistently shown that adopting confident body language increases your feelings of confidence. So we’re going to do a power pose. Let’s practise now, and then you try it next time before you hit the sheets.

Stand up straight, feet a little more than hip-width apart, and put your hands on your hips. Puff out your chest, raise your head, and stand there like you’re Superman having just rescued a coachload of babies. Think back over times when you’ve naturally felt confident. Really bask in your own brilliance. Hold that pose and the arrogance, for 2 minutes.

What has this done? By standing so confidently, you’ve told your brain that it has nothing to fear. You’ve calmed your breathing, soothed your nervous system, and quietened your fight-or-flight response.

Do this every time you’re about to have sex. (Hide in the bathroom if you like.) Hold it for the full 2 minutes, then try sex in a brand new position. You can always move back into the missionary position but experiment first. You’ll find the change will increase your excitement, and that will help to stop you thinking about your insecurities.

Read more advice from Kate Taylor on her website, lovekatetaylor.com 

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