A widow(er)'s guide to getting through the first year

Widowhood is hard to bear. It doesn’t matter how long you have been a couple, you are losing your "cellmate" and all those plans and hopes you had for the future. Your partner may well have been the only person you shared your innermost thoughts with. And they may have been the only one to tell you that you are beautiful or rather handsome.

The solitude of suddenly being on your own can be agonising. Even if the death was expected, there is nothing that can prepare us for the feeling of a sledgehammer shattering our heart. 

Grief affects us physically, emotionally and spiritually, therefore it is important to safeguard your wellbeing during this time.

Accept that you must grieve. There is no magic formula as each relationship is totally unique and, if you had a strained relationship, you may also have conflicting feelings which can be confusing.

It can be very isolating to discover that no one really knows or understands how you are really feeling, and seeing other couples can make your loneliness feel permanent. Give yourself permission to hurt. 

Find supportive people to go to for comfort. These are people you feel safe with who will let you sit with your sadness, who will be there with an open heart and allow you to wallow in your tears and not try and change how you feel.

Find a supportive network of people to help you through this time

Leave the radio on so that coming home is softened a little. Schedule calls or FaceTime with family friends as soon as you get home so an empty house is less daunting. 

Grief work isn’t just emotional, it’s physical too. Take time to be active, whether this means continuing with a usual activity or just taking a walk outdoors.

Everything is disrupted—eating, sleeping, thinking—and through it all we are anchored in the unfairness of it all, so you may have to push yourself to keep active. Rest, eat well and be kind to yourself.

You may dread the hurdle of your next wedding anniversary, Valentine’s Day, birthdays and special events. Plan ahead and plan well. Don’t let others railroad you into doing something you don’t want to do. 

Identify those times in your life when you have shown strength and resilience in times of adversity and know that you have the power to weather the storm of your grief.

Grief takes us down and almost destroys us. It changes us but it also teaches us that we are stronger than we imagined. Don’t let it make you bitter. Let it make you kinder.

Don’t berate yourself when you have your happy moments (which you will)—this is perfectly healthy and normal.

Let yourself find moments of happiness

Healing isn’t something that just happens, it is something you choose to believe. Don’t let your pain define you. If your sadness prevents you from being able to share all of the joy that your partner brought to your life, the legacy of love becomes lost, not only to others, but to you too. You have a duty to your partner and to those you love, to continue. As hard as this is, please respect this.

Take lessons from your loss—spend time with the people you love and make you feel good and tell them! Find the beauty in nature. Do things that make you happy and let go of the negative.

Some people may make comments like, "Don’t worry. You’re young enough to meet someone else." Or, "At least you have the children." Try to be forgiving of those who don’t know what to do or say and remember it is their intention to help and make a difference. They have no idea that their comments can cut so deeply. Try not to have expectations of others—they do not know how you are feeling.

Allow friendships to change whether by ending or by strengthening, and try not to take it personally if someone you thought was a friend disappears. Losing a partner is like dropping a pebble in a pond—everyone gets splashed.

Try not to let others tell you you're moving too fast, or it’s been too long. Through your loss, you have learned the value of grabbing experiences and taking chances. Be and do you.

Do not be afraid to defend your choices. Usually, others are quick to judge when there are issues in their own lives. Don’t let what other people say stop you from living. We all know more than ever how fragile life can be and if you get the chance to love again, take it. Every love is totally unique. Love is not possession; it is the freedom to be you even though you are two. 

The experience of grief is incredibly personal. Allow yourself to feel the pain, take care of yourself and share your lovely memories with others in your life. This helps to keep a closeness and connection to your partner.

Lianna Champ has over 40 years’ experience as a grief and funeral care specialist and is author of practical guide, How to Grieve Like A Champ.

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