Should you break up with a friend?

I was dumped by my high school best friend during my first year of university.

Turns out, our friendship didn’t magically weather the changes that came with moving to the next stage of life. If it was going to survive, both of us needed to work for it.

On my part, I did try—however clumsily. But, she told me point-blank, it just wasn’t working for her and she wasn’t willing to do the same. Reader, it hurt more than any of my romantic breakups.

There’s a cruel and specific pain that comes with friend split-ups. It’s a rejection that’s somehow more personal and slices deeper, like a paper cut exactly where your fingers bend.

That’s because with friends, the stakes are purely personal.

Friendships don’t have the same formal structure nor call for the same commitment as with a partner or family; you enter into friendships voluntarily, simply because you like each other.

Maybe this is why we believe (or hope) that our friends will always stick around. If the relationship carries fewer expectations, surely there’s less risk it will break down?

But for many, especially as fewer folks are following the traditional path of marriage and children, friendships are critical relationships in our lives. This means that the same issues that drive couples apart—communication issues, betrayals of trust—can also crop up between pals.

And yet, we don’t really have a playbook for what to do when these relationships go south.

If you feel that a friend has repeatedly overstepped a boundary, then it may be time to break up

Some friendships naturally end and can be moved on from easily. A 2012 study published in The Sociological Review sees these as “simple friendships”, who are people we hang out with for fun. These connections might organically fizzle out as contact dwindles and your lives change.

But for others who we have more meaningful ties with (which the study calls “complex friendships”), the ambiguity around friendship can make it tricky to figure out when they’ve crossed the line.

For example, is it fair to be annoyed with a friend because they haven’t spoken to you in a few months? What if they don’t include you in an important life decision of theirs?

There’s no social script for coping with quandaries like these. But for guidance, we can look to the foundations of what makes a healthy relationship: trust, good communication, and being able to be vulnerable with each other.

If a friend oversteps your boundaries and these pillars become shaky, I’d say it’s a fair reason to reevaluate their place in your life.

I once had a friend who used to constantly text and call me, to the point where it got really stressful. I felt like I was always having to answer and be available to them whenever they needed me.

One day, I decided to just not reply—and they turned up at my flat unannounced. This was the final straw and I told them to stop contacting me. A friendship should add something to your life rather than take from it, and they’d taken enough.

In situations like these, where you need to disentangle someone from your life and draw a clear line between you, a formal breakup might be necessary.

Your choice of words and method (phone, email, in-person?) will hinge on the extent of their offences, but in my experience as both friend dumpee and dumper, it’s best to be as clear and neutral as possible.

The aim of this conversation is to communicate your boundaries, not to start any new drama. You’re simply letting them know what’s going to happen next—and no matter how they react, you’re going to do what’s best for you.

Read more: Turn your life around: "I've lost touch with most of my old friends"

Read more: Friends after marriage: "time and distance doesn’t alter good friendships"

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