How to change your type

It’s Friday night and you’ve just gotten back from yet another dud date. You ring your friend up to complain about how shallow the dating pool is. When they ask you what’s wrong with your latest match all you really have to say is, “s/he’s just not my type,” or “I just didn’t feel a spark.”

You know they’re rolling their eyes because this is the fifth date you’ve said this about this month, and because it’s a shallow excuse. But you don’t care. You’re holding out for your faithful professional athlete/Instagram model who won’t cheat on you like all of your other exes.

We all have a type. Someone tall, dark, and handsome. Pretty, blonde and slim. A ripped lumbersexual who can crack your fruit open for you with his bare thighs. A baddie that will make your mates howl like a pack of construction workers.

But let’s be honest... deep down, most of us know our type isn’t good for us. And if you’re shaking your head in denial as you’re reading this, take a good look at your exes, almosts, or crushes. Let it sink in.

Other than being a snack, our type is usually someone who embodies what we want to be—popular, smart, charismatic—or someone who resembles our caregiver and allows us to play out our dynamic with our caregiver with them.

It may not seem like it at first, but your 6”4, tan, ripped crush could also be a manifestation of your emotionally absent father. And your bodacious blonde could also be a manifestation of your emotionally volatile mother.

It’s a lot to take in. It’s not easy to admit that the thing we want the most isn’t good for us, but doing so is the first step to moving towards what is. So now that you’re done sighing, let’s get to how you can change your type.

Consider whether you are searching for someone with qualities you feel you lack

Step one: make a list of the qualities your exes, almosts, and crushes have in common. They may not all be similar externally, but they may share internal similarities.

Take note that they may belong to different categories; the “I want to be them” category or the “they remind me of my caregiver” category. They may even overlap.

Are most of them really confident and charismatic? How confident are you? Could this be a sign that you may have to step into a new level of confidence rather than living vicariously through them?

Or, are they similar to a caregiver? What qualities do they share with your caregiver? You may want to steer clear of some of the negative qualities unless you want to repeat familiar patterns.

Step two: date outside your pool. You haven’t found love because you have a type.

Worry not, the solution is simple; date outside of your comfort zone. This doesn’t mean you should date people you aren’t attracted to, only that you should consider giving people you wouldn’t normally go for a chance to surprise you.

Have fun with it. Treat it as an experiment. Get a taste of the different flavours of personalities out there.

Don't give up at the first hurdle—make a point of going on that second date to see if attraction develops

Step three: go on more than one date with each person. Plenty of great, kind, stable matches get looked over simply because they don’t give us butterflies. In order to get a real feel of someone outside of your comfort zone, you have to be willing to spend enough time with them.

Make it a rule to go on multiple dates with people before giving them the boot. You’d be surprised just how amazing the person before you is when they’re not worried about making a good first impression. Or, when they finally come out of their shell.

Step four: pay attention to how you feel around your love interest. Too often we confuse anxiety (our attachment wounds) for chemistry. We use the term butterflies to describe what we feel and assume it’s a good thing.

In reality, the right person for us will make us feel at ease. So the next time you go on a date pay attention to whether someone makes you feel anxious—and inspires you to chase them—or if they make you feel at ease.

Finally, step five: realise that “the spark” is a scam. Thanks to the love narrative dictated to us by our patriarchal society in romantic comedies, many of us believe that the spark is an indicator of true love. That we’ve met the one and that we will now live happily ever after. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

The spark is merely our reaction to someone extremely charismatic or someone who feels familiar ie, someone who reminds us of a caregiver of ours. It is not—and should not be used as—a measurement of how “right” someone is for us.

Dating someone we feel a spark with is like standing too close to fireworks; exciting but dangerous. To find love we ought to date someone who feels more like a fireplace than fireworks.

This type of connection might require more time to get the fire going, but once it’s lit the warmth that comes from it is often unmatched.

Looking for love or companionship? Try Reader's Digest Dating

Read more: How to make a connection on a date

Read more: Your guide to getting back in the dating game

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