How to Avoid Dating Mudholes

Sara-Jayne Mcleod

In her new book,  Manhandling, Myths and Mudholes, singlehood consultant Sara-Jayne Mcleod  explores the common errors that single women make while dating, and how to avoid them for greater success. In this exclusive article, she discusses three particular types of messy relationship situations to be wary of, which she refers to as ‘mudholes’. 

 

I have got stuck in many mudholes over the last ten years. I still have the desire to get married, but I have finally figured out how to enjoy singlehood fully. I have learnt that while I cannot control how men choose to treat me, I can determine the behaviour I accept. I admit that life can be so unpredictable, but there are definite social signposts that you can follow to avoid relationship ‘dead ends’. No one wants to be occupied with Mr Wrong when Mr Right shows up in your life!

If you desire to be in a healthy relationship then, at some point, you will have to be open to networking. Dating should be an enjoyable activity that adds value to your life. As the owner of a boutique dating agency, I encourage my clients to balance positive socialising and cautious progression. In this article, we will identify the three main mudholes to avoid.

  1. PASSIVITY

The first mudhole that I want to highlight is actually about you. The ‘passivity’ mudhole keeps many beautiful, accomplished women single for longer than they need to be. Suppose you find that your dating life has fizzled out and you are not meeting any new potentials. It would help if you changed your routine to widen your social network actively. Most of the incredible things that you have achieved in your life did not materialise because you were passive. That 10 pounds did not fall off because you desired it so, and you did not pass an exam because of your belief that you deserved it.

You developed a strategy to achieve the things you wanted, and you were intentional about making your results. Likewise, you took action and adapted your plan when you encountered challenges. 

Based on this, maybe it’s time that you changed the groups you interact with on social media. As lockdown eases then, perhaps, take up a new hobby. Make time to go to those birthday meals your friend always invites you to as a plus one. When you change your routine, it increases your opportunity to meet new people. This simple switch-up will kickstart a new season in your dating life.

Singlehood consultant Sara-Jayne Mcleod points out the common ‘mudholes’ – messy types of relationship – to avoid while on the dating scene.

  1. Mr Uncertain 

The second mudhole is focused on ‘Mr Uncertain’. I am sure that you have met a guy along the way who couldn’t seem to make his mind up about you. He may be a great catch but do not make life-changing decisions to accommodate a man who is not clear about his intentions with you. 

It is heart-breaking to have someone that you have made the centre of your world disappear without warning. Only when you pour your heart out to your friends do you realise that you assumed commitment from him. 

I believe that men should earn exclusivity. Keep your options open until he shares his intentions of wanting an exclusive relationship with you. You may have to be patient, but there is a great guy out there who will refuse to play with your heart. He will come into your life with the right intention and be honest with you every step of your journey together. 

  1. Mr Potential 

The third mudhole is about ‘Mr Potential but NO action’. Often women choose to enter relationships hoping that they can ‘change’ their men. However, if he is not wearing a diaper, you cannot change him! 

No one is perfect but, if there are foundational issues from the beginning, a relationship will only magnify, not resolve, them. Men can be very good at telling a woman what they want to hear; however, their actions prove their character. Over the first few dates, ask about his passions and what he is working towards in life. Does he talk big but lacks a realistic plan? Does he have a pattern of following through on decisions? These questions help you to determine whether he is full of hot air or whether he is the real deal. Author Maya Angelo was correct when she said, “When someone shows you who they are… believe them!”

Dating is about getting to know someone for companionship. It’s not about premature physical intimacy or early emotional attachment. We live in a microwave age where everything moves at the speed of light but, when it comes to relationships, you need to slow down. The foundation of a healthy relationship is friendship. This friendship may continue forever, or it could have the potential to evolve into the relationship that you always wanted. 

When you invest time into getting to know someone, it’s not just for marriage. The dating process itself is beneficial. Take the pressure off yourself. A date should not be deemed unsuccessful if does not lead to a relationship. When you date, you learn about what you want and what you do not want in a future spouse. You discover more about yourself as you share your values and perspective on the world. You learn how to communicate and socialise well. There are many more benefits which are all essential for a healthy marriage. 

APPRECIATING THE JOURNEY 

I encourage you to appreciate the entire dating journey, not just the milestones. When you allow yourself to see the wider picture, you will find that you quickly notice the kinds of mudholes that I am referring to. Life happens so, if you do happen to find yourself stuck, the moment after you must choose to love you for who you are and not hesitate to move on. Your best days and greatest blessings are ahead of you, I promise.

Manhandling, Myths and Mudholeswas written for women who do not want to be single. Within it I speak candidly about the above mudholes in more details as well as the other situations to avoid when dating. It is my purpose to help women to navigate well through singlehood. Singlehood should not just be endured; it should be enjoyed. It may sound like a beautiful dream but I assure you, because I have been where you are now, that it’s an easy thing when you know how. 

Manhandling, Myths and Mudholes by Sara-Jayne Mcleod is available now on Amazon priced £12.99 in paperback and £8 as an eBook. For more information, visit www.adammeetevehere.com 

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