Dr Ranj on the meaning of masculinity

The idea of masculinity and what it means to be a man is a hot topic right now. With so many differing opinions and expectations, it’s a tricky conversation to navigate for both parents and children. Dr Ranj’s new book, How to Be a Boy and Do It Your Own Way explores the many aspects of masculinity, helping young boys to negotiate the ever more complicated landscape of identity on their own terms. 

We talked to him about what it means to be a boy in the twenty-first century, and why it’s especially important to have this conversation now. 

With so many different opinions and negative ideas of what masculinity is, it can be a difficult subject for a child to navigate alone

It came up out of necessity. We've all seen so many less-than-ideal examples of how to be a man on social media recently. We've seen the awful situations around the Sarah Everard case and misogyny’s part in that. And then we've got characters like the Andrew Tates of the world. And we forget that young people are exposed to this as well.  

I wanted to say, please don't think that some of the negative things you're hearing are the total story. There's actually so much more to this. 

I'm hoping that the message overarching this is that you don't have to be masculine at all if you don't want to be. Being the best sort of boy or man is all about being a decent human being and being a decent person first and doing that with kindness and positivity and confidence, and a respect and understanding and compassion of other people. 

Well, it depends. Masculinity has never been a constant, our ideas of masculinity have changed throughout time and across cultures. So for example, Spartan warriors are often seen as the archetype of masculinity, but they were hugely in touch with their feelings. And they were very emotionally close to each other as well- nobody would have blinked at a man crying in those times. 

I come from an Indian background, and we've had the concept of a third gender for 1000s of years. That's part of our culture, and the way we look at men's roles and women's roles, if you want to look at it in that sort of simplistic way, is actually quite different. So, for me, masculinity is never a constant. If you look at the definition, masculinity simply encompasses the sort of qualities and characteristics you expect from boys and men. But those qualities and characteristics can be anything, and be anything that you want them to be.  

I don’t think we teach boys and men about allyship enough. The lessons and education around allyship often come from the people that need it.

So often it's women teaching men how to be a decent ally, or it's the LGBTQ+ community teaching everybody else, or it's people of colour teaching non people of colour. And it shouldn't be that way. It should be a thing that we all know, we all learn. 

Boys and men have a certain privilege in this world, they're given certain advantages from birth. And it's about using that privilege and that inherent advantage to help others, and that's allyship. You may not have experienced their struggle, but there is something that you can lend to them to help.  

Male body image has been a problem for a long time, we just haven't been talking about it

It's a problem that's existed for a very long time. But it's only a problem that we are now beginning to realise, and have the confidence to speak about. Traditionally speaking, boys haven't always been given permission to talk about their feelings and their struggles: they have to be strong and leaders and macho; have a stiff upper lip and- that horrible phrase- “man up”. And that's led to a multitude of problems, such as suicide being the biggest killer of young men.  

Similarly, traditionally, people have only really associated concerns around body image with girls, when actually, everyone goes through those concerns, including boys, but we just never hear from them.  

It's hard enough for an adult to understand their identity, let alone a child

One of the trickiest things to explore in this book was identity, and exploring who you are. 

I'm still trying to work this out as an adult, how all of these pieces fit together to make the whole me. I had to go through the process myself, thinking, what does masculinity mean to me, what is being a boy and a man to me; how do I identify, and who am I, and how do I feel? So that chapter for me was a bit of a learning experience as well.  

But I guess that same process is what a young boy would potentially be going through at that critical time of life, when they're starting to come into their own and discover themselves and how they fit into the world and develop a sense of identity. That's the time to be having those conversations because they're going to be thinking about it and worried about it. 

Yes, exactly. While the book is targeted at 10- to 13-year-olds, I think that parents and carers will actually find it really helpful to sit and read about it for themselves, because then they know what their young person is getting into. 

I was a teenager about 30 years ago, and the world was a very different place. We didn't talk about identity and sexuality and emotions and body image. Mental health wasn't even on the agenda. And I feel that a lot of parents and carers my age can now read this book and feel a little more prepared for the conversations that they'll have with their kids.  

It's important to acknowledge if a young person is having a hard time, and to reassure them that it gets better

I didn't have people to talk to about the kind of difficult feelings and emotions that I was going through as a teenager, and we didn't have the internet. So I just didn't have the resources and the coping mechanisms that are available now, and I had to work out a lot of stuff by myself. It was a painful experience. 

I really wish someone had just taken me under their wing and said, it's going to be alright. Life is tough sometimes, some days are brilliant, some days not so much. But it all gets better. You will find out who you are, you will find your community and your tribe, you will learn that it is absolutely okay to be you. 

I just wish someone had given me that piece of advice that would have given me a little bit more hope, maybe. 

Young people nowadays, I think, are facing far more challenges than we did. The world is a much harder place to navigate. And it's important to acknowledge that they're going through a tough time, but remind them that things can get better. 

How to Be a Boy and Do It Your Own Way is available on Amazon

Read more: How to talk to your child about pornography

Read more: Men talk about their experiences with suicide

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