The Man Child phenomenon is real

The Man Child phenomenon is real and it’s turning women off sex

25th Apr 2023 Dating & Relationships

According to research, women are still shouldering the majority of housework and it's affecting their sex lives

It sounds like a scene from a nineties sitcom: a man’s wife charges into their bedroom, furious that he’s not ready for an event they’re due at. He’s had an hour to get changed; in that time she’s gotten herself and each of their three children into their glad rags! 

Exasperated, she reaches over and starts dressing him herself. Oh, wait—that is an actual scene from the 1996-2005 TV show Everybody Loves Raymond. 

The term for men like this is “man child”. They’re completely dependent on their partner (who is, almost always, a woman) to do everyday jobs they’re perfectly capable of: cleaning, cooking, putting on a suit within an hour. 

Unfortunately, recent scientific research shows that men-children aren’t just the stuff of sitcoms. Not only do they exist, but they’re putting their significant others off sex.

A real-life man child

Men still expect their female partners to shoulder most of the domestic and caregiving labour

Real-life men-children might not be as blatantly useless as those on the silver screen, but, researchers from Canada and Australia found last year, they do expect their female partners to take on the lion’s share of domestic and caregiving labour. 

Men were also reliant on them for completing basic life tasks, like doing laundry, in the same way that an actual child would be. 

We don’t expect kids to understand the value of this work because, well, they’re kids. But when another adult in the household follows suit, that relationship shifts from being a partnership into a carer/dependent dynamic. 

"When thrust into this “mother-wife” role, women not only reported feeling desexualised but that this made them see their partners in a non-sexual way"

For the women in the study, this blurred the roles of “partner” and “mother”—which dampened their desire for sex. 

This makes total sense: mothering is a form of caregiving that’s decidedly non-sexual in nature. When thrust into this “mother-wife” role, women not only reported feeling desexualised but that this made them see their partners in a non-sexual way. 

I know I’d fancy someone less, and also feel less desirable in myself, if I had a partner who expected me to sort a household’s massive to-do list on my own, all the time. 

And yet, this is a reality for plenty of women today.

Why are women still the main caregivers?

Women are still likely to do 70 per cent more household chores than men

The study authors chalk this up to our society’s fixation on heteronormativity—the belief that being straight is the norm. This comes with an implicit assumption that men and women will adopt “complementary” roles: women as mother and carer, while men provide and protect. 

Women are still very much shouldering these expectations. In the study, which surveyed over 1,000 women who were with men, participants in one group spent around 70 per cent more time on household labour than their partners.

"A lot of the mental energy expended in running a household—making sure everyone’s eaten, remembering the kids’ doctors appointments—happens behind the scenes."

Worse still, much of that work is probably invisible to those benefiting from it. After all, a lot of the mental energy expended in running a household—making sure everyone’s eaten, remembering the kids’ doctors appointments—happens behind the scenes. 

The word for this sort of labour is “kinkeeping”. It’s essentially the expectation that women will facilitate the needs of others in their family, and it’ll keep being pushed onto us as long as we’re saddled with the baggage of being everyone’s caretaker. 

When your partner doesn’t treat you as their equal, it hurts. It keeps you from being supported and valued for who you are.

Equality is sexy

The study shows that those in a more satisfying division of labour are more likely to have a successful sex life

It’s also bad news for your libido. Desire starts in the brain, and people who are satisfied in their relationship, and who feel seen and heard by their partner, are more likely to fancy getting frisky with them, note the study authors.

"This research helps give a name to the barriers that keep women from being seen as their whole, sexy selves"

Put another way: a great sex life stems from healthy relationships. And this research helps give a name to the barriers that keep women from being seen as their whole, sexy selves within theirs.