The Punning Man: The best of Sean Leahy

The reason you never see milkmen wear flip-flops is because they lactose.

I’ve got myself a magic dog. It’s a Labracadabrador

My wife was angry with me because I was too lazy to put the cat out last night. But in my defence, she was nearer the fire extinguisher.

Don’t worry if you're too shy shy to ask someone; you can always KajaGoogle it.

Credit: maximkabb

I recently had a job interview at a local restaurant. The first question they asked was why I thought I would make a good waiter. And honestly, I just think I would bring a lot to the table.

You can't make a sea monster omelette without kraken eggs.

I hid the ladder while my wife was in the loft, and when she said “hey, let me down” I told her I didn’t get the promotion and I forgot to pick the kids up from school.

Talking in libraries shouldn’t be aloud.

My optician always says that eyesight should be like cricket. Ideally twenty twenty with a test every couple of years.

My wife and I are constantly arguing over just how much laundry can fit in the tumble dryer. Just the other day she said "There's room for one more thing in there", so I told her to put a sock in it.

Once I had finished my degree at university, I had huge aspirations to go to the Olympics, so I spent my gap year javelin.

I didn’t particularly enjoy the Chubby Checker movie, but there was a great twist at the end.

Do you know what the temperature inside a beehive is?
S'warm

I’ve seen some gorgeous police officers in my time, but the one that pulled me over this morning was breathtaking.

Credit: kozorog

Dog trainers are expensive, aren’t they? And mine can’t even tie his laces!

The security guard at Ikea told me if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils they’ll ban me for life. But that’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

Date: “So, do you have any pets?”
Me: “Yes, I have two goldfish.”
Date: “Any hobbies?”
Me: “Yeah they absolutely love swimming.”

I’ll leave you with a little bit of wisdom…
Life is like a box of chocolates. I wish I had one.

If your least favourite part of a song is the chorus, don't worry; it could be verse.

Scientists declare they’ve discovered a small comet made entirely of vegetables. If there was some way to add mince it would be a little meteor.

How do woolly mammoths like their hotdogs?
With mastodon

Whenever I hear someone talking about “the war on drugs,” I think; is that really the best way to fight a war?

I've decided to become a ventriloquist. I’ve got all the gear.

I don’t start my new job as a human cannonball until next month, but I’m already worried about getting fired.

Breaking news: the tooth fairy has been arrested for incisor trading.

Credit: logoboom

I've poured every penny I have into my limousine business, but I've still got nothing to chauffeur it.

I’m really pleased with my vegetable patch. It’s been six weeks since I smoked a carrot.

My wife said she wants me to make her a candle-lit dinner, but it’ll take ages to cook a lasagna like that.

There have been an awful lot of famous boats throughout history, but Noah's was the archetype.

Why do they call it the study of craft beer and not Palealeontology?

I used a carpark last week when I went shopping, and when I came back a bunch of druids had set it on fire and were holding hands around it, chanting. It turns out it was a pagan display.

My wife is angry at me again because I dropped the baby. But it’s not my fault… he just needs to lose the attitude and he'll be back in the team.

I found a classical composer crouched down in the corner of our wardrobe. "What are you doing in there?" I said in shock, to which he replied, under his breath; "Shh, I'm Haydn!"

I stole a bulk lot of cloth from a nunnery once, but I didn’t make a habit of it.

With the ongoing strike action, one chap from the council has taken on the roles of collecting the bins and delivering the post. He doesn’t stop at our house because of the sign that says no junk male.

Celebrity news: For their fifteenth wedding anniversary, rapper Jay-Z has purchased an enormous, inflatable fort for his wife. It's a Beyoncé Castle.

We were out for dinner with friends recently. When the food came, one of them started stealing coleslaw and garlic bread from another table. My wife said “Don't you think that's terrible?”, but I wasn’t taking sides.

The lock on my front door is at the bottom because I like to make a low key entrance.

I read an article about this woman who has this strange hobby of setting Agatha Christie novels on fire. Seems she’s a Poirot maniac.

Everyone used to really like that band The White Stripes, but I always thought they were middle of the road.

Credit: gorodenkoff

Archaeologists might look happy, but their lives are in ruins.

There was a very strange ad in the window of the job centre that wanted people to package baked beans and write testaments. I told the lady at the desk that there was no way I could do that sort of thing and she said "you can and you will."

Nigella Lawsons’s elder sibling can't even boil an egg, which just shows you can't judge a cook by its brother.

There's a thyme and a plaice for recipes with only two ingredients.

For Valentine’s Day I went for cocktails and to the theatre with Sir Lancelot, because my wife said she liked the idea of a romantic knight out with me.

I was listening to Bob Marley on the radio when I got pulled over by the police. They asked for my licence and reggae station.

The other day I went to the most unsuccessful auction ever, hands down.

I had my suspicions that the cat ate my chickens because I felt down in the dumps.

Art galleries are a great place to take the deaf, because all the paintings are signed in the corner.

Follow Sean on Twitter at @thepunningman

Banner credit: Mihály Orodán

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