Doctor! Doctor! I Feel Like Some Health Jokes

I got a letter in the post the other day. It said, 'Do Not Bend'. I thought, How am I supposed to pick it up?

- from Lee Mack, comedian 

The stressed-out doctor spotted Bob the hypochondriac sitting in the surgery waiting room as he walked through to speak to the practice nurse. 'Not again, Bob,' said the overworked GP. 'You were only here on Monday afternoon, and now on Wednesday morning?' 'Couldn’t come yesterday though,' replied Bob, 'I was ill.'

- from M Noone, Lancashire

Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar. The bartender rings the bell for last orders. Pavlov thinks, Cripes—I forgot to feed the dog.

- seen on Reddit

Recycling day should be renamed, 'See who’s an alcoholic in your street' day.

- from Matt Rudge, Comedian

An inebriated man was stumbling down the street, swaying, with one foot on the kerb and the other in the gutter. A policeman passing in his car pulled over and said, 'I’ve got to take you in, mate. You’re obviously drunk.' The intoxicated man asked, 'Officer, are you absolutely sure I’m drunk?' 'Yes, my friend, I’m very sure,' said the bobby. 'Let’s go.' Breathing a sigh of relief, the wastrel replied, 'Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled!'

- seen on the internet

A man walks into a bar and orders three whiskies. The barman pours one and says, 'Let me know when you want the next.' But the man says, 'No, I’d like all three at once.'The barman pours two more drinks. The man slugs all three, pays and leaves. This goes on every night for a week. Finally, the barman asks the man why he orders three at a time. The man says, 'When I left my home, many miles away, I promised my two brothers that whenever I had a drink, I’d order one for each of them too.' The man returns every night for a year. He and the barman get to know each other very well. Then, one day, the man orders only two whiskies. This goes on for a couple of weeks, but the barman is afraid to ask if something has happened to one of the brothers. Finally, he summons up the courage to say, 'I noticed you’ve been ordering only two drinks for the last few weeks. Is everything OK with your brothers?' The man looks at the barman, puzzled, then realises what he’s implying. He smiles and says, 'Yes! My brothers are fine, but I’m trying out life as a teetotal.'

- seen at on Reddit

I banged my head the other night, so I followed the old wives’ tale of rubbing margarine on it. But I still have a sore noggin. I can’t believe it’s not better.

- from Julie Moffat, Newport

I was addicted to soap once, but now I’m clean.

- seen on Reddit