You couldn't make it up: Rescued by a cat

Here are some of the funniest stories we had submitted to us for the January and February issues. Some stories are just so strange that you really couldn’t make them up!

My neighbour has three cats. She lives on her own, as her husband died nearly two years ago.

One of the cats likes to jump up on her shoulder, but as she was in the bathroom she did not want him there. She put him out and locked the door.

Unfortunately, she knocked the key, and it slipped out under the door. She was locked in, and she did not have her mobile phone with her, so she was stuck. She did not have a watch on either, so she did not know for how long she was locked in or how she would get out.

She tried to move the key nearer the door, but failed, so she played game with the cat and a stick. The cat moved the key nearer the door so she could reach it.

“Bingo!” She was rescued by the cat. “Talk of a get-out claws!”

IDA LEE, Cork

Our four-year-old grandson came to visit recently. As he had been misbehaving, his granny told him that Father Christmas would not come if he was naughty.

He looked up at the ceiling and said, "There are no cameras!"

STEWART PETHER, Abingdon-on-Thames

Celebrating our 49th wedding anniversary with a hug, we had a photo taken.

My daughter was showing it to Max (aged six) and he asked, "Are they dating?".

"They are married," said his mum.

"When did they get married?" asked Max.

"A long time ago," said Mum.

"I don't remember," said Max. "Was I there?

PAT COURT, Oxfordshire

When my daughter started primary school, she made some new friends in her class and they soon started to go to each other’s houses for tea after school.

The other mums in this playdate circle were lovely. Exceptionally so. Every time I picked my daughter up from one of their homes, they made a point of saying what a delightful child she was, what a great job I was doing with her and how lucky she was to have me. It was nice of them to say so, I thought, but really a little over-the-top. I was just doing what mums do, wasn’t I?

Eventually I pointed this out to one of the mums. She patted me on the arm. "Yes, you’re doing exactly what her real mum would have wanted you to do."

Apparently my highly imaginative daughter had told all her friends that her family had been involved in a shipwreck, her parents had drowned and I had rescued her and agreed to adopt her.

I had to be honest and put the record straight, and we all saw the funny side. I must admit that I missed being treated like a hero in the school playground, however.

KAY STEAD, York

I interviewed a man for a job and asked him if he had any hobbies.

"Yes," he replied quite enthusiastically. "Women."

I looked him in the eye for a few seconds and there was a very uncomfortable silence until I moved on to another question.

Later, I found out that he had actually said, "Swimming."

ANDREW BERRY, Lincoln

I walked into a sports shop in search of a warm fleece.

On entry, I grabbed at the first one I saw and inspected the thickness with my hand.

"Do you mind?" came a voice out of nowhere. I looked up and found myself staring into a red-face of a male shop assistant.

"So sorry," I said," I thought you were a dummy."

LORRAINE SMITH, Lancashire

My husband and I are both in our seventies but enjoy being quite fit with reasonable health. I do have some food intolerances, so I have to watch what I eat. From time to time something I have eaten will make me quite unwell.

I had just had a particularly difficult afternoon with this problem, but was beginning to improve, when our daughter messaged to see what we were up to. As usual she also asked how we were.

I started to say we were OK, but felt I should maybe admit that I had been unwell. I did not want it to sound too depressing, so I decided to try and sound upbeat about it. In my reply I said we were OK, but that I had had a very lively afternoon with my old gut. I also said that things were now calming down, and for good measure added a “Phew!” at the end.

Unfortunately, I only noticed after I had sent the message that the corrective text on my phone had changed my word “gut” to “guy!”

MORAG HAY, Shetland

"You can’t get multiple sclerosis from the cathedral," said a woman behind me in the café.

Well, that’s a relief, I thought, although I was not aware that it was contagious.

"But I got motor neurone disease," she continued.

I was sorry to hear that, but her friend was more upbeat. "That’s good, dear," she said.

As I stood up to leave, I glanced behind me at the packs of charity Christmas cards spread on the table.

GLENYS ADAMS, Liverpool

My daughter was driving my three- year-old granddaughter, Evie, to nursery. "There is a new girl starting at nursery soon," Jacqui told Evie. "Her name is Evie too. If there are two Evies in your class would you like to be known as Evie, Evelyn, Eve or Ev?"

Evie thought about it for a little while, and then triumphantly announced, "John!"

PAT COURT, Oxfordshire

I was surprised to find my friend had brought back a large packet of washing powder from a luxury holiday in the Bahamas. He explained that this was the brand his hotel used and the smell brought back wonderful memories of his trip.

After spending a cold winter at home, he booked another holiday but said he was going to ask the hotel to use a different wash powder, because the first one now reminded him of the cold and wet back home.

ANDREW BERRY, Lincoln

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