What a marriage counsellor won’t tell you

At least they still care about each other. If one or both of you seems indifferent, my job is a lot harder.

 

The earlier you come in, the quicker you can get the problem solved, the less your therapy will cost.

 

When you say your feelings “just aren’t there anymore,” I know you’re probably cheating.

 

Sometimes I’ll tell a couple “no sex until the next session. Don’t touch each other, period.” What I’m really hoping is that they’ll fail and feel a sense of unity from their mutual rebellion.

 

What do I wish I could say? “Grow up!” “Stop whining!” “Get a life!” When I feel this way, I know I need a vacation.

 

Don’t try to convince me you’re the good one. In most marriages, there isn’t a good one.

 

Yes, you should go to bed angry. If you try to resolve everything before you hit the sack, you’ll both be sleep-deprived and cranky the next day. Instead, get a good night’s sleep and talk once you’re rested.

 

Three signs that a couple is not going to succeed: namecalling, finger-pointing, and when one or both partners fails to accept even the tiniest bit of responsibility for the situation.

 

Sometimes two people love each other but have such different styles of living that I recommend they live together in a duplex. It sounds strange, but it works for some people.

 

I’ve seen couples I thought didn’t stand a chance end up staying together. Often it’s because they’re both willing to try. But sometimes it’s just that they are too dysfunctional to leave each other.

 

Don’t expect your spouse to be everything you need: your lover, your best friend, your massage therapist, and your confidant. You need other relationships outside your marriage to fill those roles.

 

The big thing most women don’t understand: Men are not mind readers. If you don’t tell him how you feel, he’s not going to know. The big thing most men don’t understand: If you hardly acknowledge your wife all day, she’s not going to want to get intimate with you at night.

 

The person who complains about things that happened in the past is usually more of the problem than the spouse they’re complaining about. And if I ask you how long you’ve had problems and your answer is “ten years,” you’re not going to change things in ten minutes or ten sessions.

 

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Sources: Susan Fletcher, PhD, a psychologist in Dallas, Texas; Lawrence J. Levy, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Boca Raton, Florida; Nancy Mramor, PhD, in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania; Jeff Palitz, a marriage and family therapist in Chula Vista, California; Meghan L. Reitz, LCPC, NCC, in Schaumburg, Illinois; Karen Sherman, PhD, in New York, New York; Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist in Long Beach, California; and a marriage counselor in Pennsylvania.