Is there such thing as having enough sex?

There’s nothing like a new year to stir anxieties that we’re not living life right. It’s a time that prompts reflection, calling us to make resolutions for how we can be better: go to the gym more! Eat broccoli three times a week!

But when it comes to our sex lives, there’s one question that strikes worry in bedrooms around the country, all year round: how much sex are we meant to be having?

It’s the subject of countless articles, online discussions, and even academic papers. And with this new year, I’d like to suggest that we bin this conversation for good.

The trouble with that question is that the answer isn’t a number, yet often, one is put forward: once per week is usually what’s cited. To be fair, this number does come from scientific research—although the paper in question doesn’t actually show that weekly sex makes us happiest. Nor does any other paper, for that matter, because there’s no such thing as an optimal quota of sex.

Here’s what the science actually says. In 2015, researchers analysed survey data from over 30,000 people, who were asked how often they had sex and then separately, how content they were with their lives and relationships.

Sexual frequency didn’t appear to have any bearing on happiness for people who were single. But for those in relationships, folks who got frisky once per week also reported being happier and more satisfied with their partners on average—while happiness either plateaued or dipped slightly for those who did it more regularly than that.

All this tells us is that happiness is related to how often people have sex with their partners, but not that one causes the other. We can’t say that an amount of sex leads to happiness, nor that happier people have sex a certain amount.

From what we know about sex drive, I’d say the latter is more on the money: happiness influences how frequently we head to the bedroom, but what that looks like is different for everyone.

Yes, sex makes us feel good, but our desire to have it in the first place depends on a myriad of factors that push us away from sex or pull us towards it. You’d probably have more headspace for intimacy if you felt good in your relationship and secure in other areas of your life.

In fact, the paper also found that the link between happiness and how often people had sex appeared to be explained by how satisfied they were in their relationships.

So why was once per week the number where people reported feeling best? It could be that because this is about how often the average person in the UK has sex, folks felt a sense of satisfaction that they’d met that standard, the researchers suggest.

As they say: comparison is the thief of joy. A study done in 2014 found that people’s happiness with their own sex lives dropped when they compared themselves to their peers.

Another 2015 study showed that happy couples having more sex than the pattern they’d naturally settled on didn’t make them happier—and how often they did it was simply linked to how much they liked sex.

I understand why people are so set on seeking clear, practical answers about sex: we want help navigating the murky realms of desire, pleasure, and human relationships. We want to be reassured we’re “normal”.

But there’s no single answer to what a good sex life looks like, there’s only what works for you. And frequency is an effect, rather than a cause, of that. So, what will make you happiest is probably just doing what you want.