How to deal with silent treatment

Is someone you know giving you the silent treatment? Maybe you did something wrong: you embarrassed or humiliated the other person; you let them down or failed to give them your support when they needed it. Perhaps it was something you said? Did you wrongly accuse them of something? Did you have a row and use some harsh words, or tell them some home truths? Perhaps you broke a confidence?

Whatever happened and whoever it is—a family member, friend or colleague—when someone refuses to talk to you, it can leave you feeling frustrated and upset. “I sometimes have clients that come to me with this distressing problem,” says psychotherapist Donna Butler, “and often, because they are hurt, they in turn, refuse to talk to the other person too. But nothing is ever going to progress from a position of mutual stubborn hurt.”

What to do? Well, first it helps to understand what’s going on when someone stops talking to you.

By cutting you off, non-talkers can take control of the relationship and the situation; they are both protecting themselves and punishing you. Because they are hurt by something you’ve done or said, ignoring you is a way that they can punish you by causing you hurt and distress. And because they feel wronged, they may feel vulnerable, so it makes sense to them to build a wall of silence so you can’t hurt them again. In other words, they’re protecting themselves.

Silent treatment can be a form of self-protection or of punishment

“You need to make the first move and find a way forward,” says Donna. “And if the issue is between you and your adult child, know that you are always going to be their parent, so act in a parental way and reach in. This is not about giving in; there are limits. But right now, you are looking to open the lines of communication before the non-talking turns into months and years of silence.”

Be clear about what happened

You probably already know what it was that you said or did. But if not, ask. You could say, “I feel like there’s a problem between us and that you might be upset with me.”

If you do know what happened between you to cause this rift, ask if you can talk.

Ask about thoughts and feelings

Explain that you know what happened between you wasn’t good and that you’d like to be friends again. Ask them what their thoughts and feelings are now about what happened.

Acknowledge what they say about how they feel, and then say how you feel

For example, “I understand why you are upset and that you are angry. I feel sad/upset/bad about what happened, and I’d like to put things right.”

Speak in a neutral voice

Make sure your tone doesn't imply they are overreacting or being ridiculous. An accusatory or patronising tone will only make things worse.

Be aware of your body language too; folded arms, tense posture and avoiding eye contact is not going to demonstrate an honest open approach.

Take responsibility and apologise

This doesn’t mean taking all the blame, it simply means admitting your part in any wrongdoing or misunderstanding and expressing that you’re sorry it happened.

For example, “I know you wanted our situation to be kept private and I’ve really upset you by telling other people about it. I’m sorry I did that. I thought that talking about it to others would help me make sense of what was going on.”

Or, in a different example, “I know I didn’t do what you asked me to do. I’m sorry I forgot. I didn’t realise how important it was to you.”

Say what, if anything, you now realise you could’ve done differently

Then ask what you can say and do to make things right so you can both move forward on good terms.

Writing may be the best way to get through the silent treatment

Of course, it might be easier or even the only option, to put everything in writing. Again, take responsibility for what you could’ve done differently.

Remember not to find fault or lay blame but do acknowledge how you think the other person is feeling. Explain how you feel and what you are willing to do to put things right.

Try only once

If the other person refuses to move on and resume talking to you, there’s nothing else you can do. You’ve done your best. Now, it is up to them.

They may need more time to process what happened between you, so give them some space.

Keep the line of communications open

It just leaves you to decide if you are willing to leave the door open for the other person to come through once they feel like talking again. If you do, then let them know that if they want to get back in touch, you’ll be there.

But also know that sometimes it’s a gift when someone chooses to walk away from you. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever.

Gill Hasson is the author of the book How to Deal with Difficult People

Donna Butler is an Integrative Psychotherapist (UKCP reg)

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