We’ve asked experts for advice on how to ramp up your partner's satisfaction, which can in turn enhance intimacy and strengthen your relationship.
1. Ask her what she likes, and do your homework
But do this before getting down to it, says registered psychologist Dr. Cheryl Fraser of Duncan, B.C. “People are too vulnerable when they’re in the middle of being intimate.”
As well, take time the next day—when the pressure is off—to ask how she enjoyed it and what was fun. Talk together about what you want to try next time.
It’s very important that you ask your partner if she’s happy with the sex the two of you are having, says Calgary psychologist and sex therapist Perry Sirota. Women don’t always feel comfortable volunteering that information.
Whatever you do, guys, do not get your tips from X-rated films or highly sexed TV shows. Too often they’re just plain wrong and give misinformation, says Fraser. But do invest in a book about female sexuality and how to please a woman. Also, remember to secure your PC while browsing sensitive topics like sexuality
2. Know the three parts of foreplay
It goes without saying that good personal hygiene habits in a man are important to a woman; after all, our eyes see and our noses smell.
If that’s taken care of, the next stage of foreplay is all in our minds: Most women who don’t feel emotionally connected to a partner won’t be interested in sex, says Fredericton-based clinical psychologist Sandra Byers, co-author of the Canadian edition of Understanding Human Sexuality. Women connect with their partner through having a relationship that includes talking and doing things together.
The third part, kissing and touching—but hey, hold your horses, no touching her breasts or genitals yet!— puts women in the mood to be aroused.
3. Be creative: Not all women are the same
Everything from the tips of her toes to her earlobes can be sexual in different combinations, and it’s not the same every time or for every woman, says Sirota.
He says even women don’t always realise that. “Often they mistakenly tell men, ‘This is what women like’ when instead they should be saying, ‘This is what I like.’” Sirota also says men need to listen: If she says, “I like having my breasts touched,” make sure you ask how she likes having them touched.
4. Know her body
Women come equipped with a vagina and clitoris, and though these may be different shapes and sizes, they all react pretty much the same way. As women know all too well—and many men may not—the clitoris is extremely sensitive, but the vagina…not so much.
“The tip of the clitoris has the same number of nerve endings as the head of the penis because it is made from the same embryonic tissue,” says Byers. “In terms of clitoral stimulation, women can differ a lot in how hard or soft they want you to touch it.”
The vagina, on the other hand, has very few nerve endings. Fraser says, “Penis intercourse alone is not a lot of stimulation for most women—according to some studies, only about 20 per cent of women orgasm through intercourse alone.” Stimulate her clitoris or encourage her to do it with her own fingers or a sex toy.
Adds Byers, “Even if a guy has a road map, he needs information from her about what feels good.”
5. Help her feel comfortable receiving oral sex
Generally, it’s the most reliable way to make a woman orgasm (so long as the guy knows what he’s doing: In a word, be gentle!). That’s because the stimulation is more precise.
“But some women are shy about receiving oral sex,” says Fraser. They’re concerned about odour, she says, or think it’s not a thing "nice girls" should do.
So be sure to start out slowly—for example, start foreplay by having a shower together—to get her feeling better about it.
6. Play with lube or toys
Slippery is good, but more slippery is better, says Fraser. “Lubricant is great for women of any age, even if your partner doesn’t have problems becoming lubricated enough on her own.”
Sex toys are also great, but, Fraser suggests, “Start with something simple; forget about an eight-foot vibrator!” And shop for it together; you don’t want to spring something on her that she doesn’t feel comfortable trying.
7. Remember that great sex won't happen overnight
Byers says that if you’re in a long-term relationship, even if sex was fabulous the first 100 times, it’s eventually going to get boring if you always do it the same way. “Part of what’s arousing and exciting is the unexpected; say, having sex in a different place at a different time. Don’t always do the same things in the same order for the same amount of time.”
And just as you don’t hit a home run every time you play baseball, the same goes for sex. It should always be evolving, says Fraser: “It’s called a sex life—and like life, sometimes it will be magnificent, and sometimes it’ll be just okay.”
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