How to embrace change and avoid loneliness in retirement

Having quality relationships is one of the top predictors of overall health and happiness. However, as you get older it’s only natural for friendship groups to get smaller. Finding ways to make new connections can be challenging—not least when you make a major life change such as downsizing to somewhere new due to a change in circumstances.

What’s more, according to Age UK, 1.4 million older people in the UK are often lonely—and that’s often driven by circumstances such as loss of relationships through bereavement, or reduced social interactions due to worsening health or mobility. 

Last year, three single ladies in their 80s, who had never previously met, separately embarked on a life-changing move by downsizing to the same newly built Retirement Living community—McCarthy Stone’s Brideoake Court in Standish.

The stories behind Pam, Rita and Anne’s reasons for moving will resonate with many older people and reflect some of the challenges which can be associated with loneliness—particularly when society places such high expectations on how you should be spending your golden retirement years.

The trio, who have become firm friends since moving to their new homes, share their stories on how they came to terms with embracing change and unlocking new friendships in a new environment.

In 2022, Pamela Wolstenholme (Pam), age 80, took the plunge to move from her three-bed detached family home in Bolton, where she’d lived for 40 years. Although her son and daughter had grown up and long flown the nest, her daughter was still living only a short drive away. Pam also had a lot of dear friends in the area, with many of these deep-rooted friendships stemming from being a committed churchgoer over the years.

However, as her friendship group began to naturally grow older in age, some of her pals understandably became less mobile which sadly meant social gatherings started to become few and far between. Pam found that while she’d talk with them regularly on the phone, days could sometimes go by without seeing any of them in person. 

Pam says, “When I look back, making the decision to move was quite a spur of the moment thing. I’d never thought of myself as isolated, but one day I was at home feeling a little lonely as my daughter was on holiday and I hadn’t seen many of my friends while she was away. I was quite used to busying myself, but it was just one of those days…A leaflet for a new McCarthy Stone development came through the door and it looked perfect. On my daughter’s return, we went to look at it together and it was a complete no brainer—even better, it was nearer to my daughter and cut the travel distance from my son in half.”

She continues: “After 40 years living in the same property, deciding to downsize and move away from my friends and established life in Bolton was certainly a wrench. However, I realised that the things I loved most were getting harder to manage, such as gardening due to waiting for a hip replacement. I had employed a gardener to give me a helping hand, but while that made a difference, I started to realise that if I didn’t make a move sooner rather than later, I never would.”

At the development, Pam met Rita Cunliffe, age 88 and Anne Scholes, age 82. Both had moved in not long after it had opened. Before moving to Brideoake Court, Rita lived on her own in a three-bed detached property which had been home to her family for 20 years. With open fields at the back of the property, she had good neighbours that she could rely on, but living on her own she couldn’t help but worry about security. The cost of upkeep and the maintenance of the property was also high for just one person. Rita expressed her concerns to her sons and one of them suggested looking at Brideoake Court.  

Even though she wasn’t familiar with Standish as an area, the development was only a short drive away, and she decided downsizing at this point was the right thing to do. For Rita, she wasn’t suffering with loneliness, rather making the move was about feeling more safe and secure in her own home.

Rita says: “It’s a funny thing, you can live somewhere for years and not really think about things, but as you get older, you don’t feel quite as safe as you might have done. I’d always set the burglar alarm at night, but once it went off for no reason—probably a spider triggered it—it certainly gave me a start. That’s when you suddenly feel quite alone, and you start to wonder what you’d do should something happen.”

Anne meanwhile moved to Brideoake Court with her beloved dog, Ollie, from a four-bed detached property where she’d lived for over 20 years. Her husband had passed away, and her family could see that she needed something more manageable. With four children living across the UK, one of Anne’s daughters and her grandchildren still lived close by, so she decided to move just ten minutes along the road from them to be nearer.

Anne says: “Our house had outgrown me and was too much for me to manage on my own. The move forced me to get out there which was great, but looking back, I did initially wonder if I had done the right thing. Moving at my age was very daunting!

“I soon learnt that you do need time to embrace change and let things settle. I now have plenty of time to do more of the things I enjoy, and finding new friendships has been a big factor in that.”

With each concluding that "enough was enough", it was time for a change. With Brideoake Court ticking their boxes, they agreed that the development offered them what they needed—a ready-made community in a central location, meaning there would be plenty to keep them busy. 

They each moved in within a matter of weeks of one another. Of the trio, Anne was first, followed by Rita and then Pam. Initially a bit overwhelmed about meeting new people, the house manager Gemma helped facilitate regular meetings for homeowners through coffee mornings in the lounge. In no time at all, the women soon struck up a rapport. From this moment they felt an instant connection and today they’re rarely not seen in each other’s company.

On making the decision to downsize from their larger family homes, they were relieved to find that they could build the kind of new quality friendships they never imagined finding in later life, right on their doorsteps. Whether it’s going for a leisurely lunch in town or putting the world to rights over a cuppa in the shared communal lounge, it’s clear the friends have forged a close bond since meeting.

“The first few days of settling in it felt a bit like being back at school again. I would politely make people’s acquaintances in the corridor and then one day I went into the lounge and bumped into Anne, and after a little while Pam…well the rest, they say, is history! We now chat for hours on end without ever getting bored,” says Rita. “We love going out, but equally just enjoy being in each other’s company. The time simply flies when we’re together.”

Rita says she has now left any initial worries about moving firmly behind her, but initially there was a lot to think about: “To begin with, even the thought of moving felt like a huge hurdle to climb. Not only was I saying goodbye to my much-loved home of 20 years, but the process of having to pack everything up and squeeze it into my new smaller space, was at times a stressful one. Thankfully my sons helped with the move, and one even built me two lovely wardrobes in the spare room which was a big help.”

Pam concurs: “I thought it would be daunting to make new friends when I moved in, and it did take a little while to get used to my new life. However, after a couple of months the development truly did feel like ‘home’ as I’d met lots of nice people all in similar situations to me.”

For Anne the addition of Ollie the dog was also a great icebreaker in helping her meet people: “Ollie makes for the perfect partner when striking up a conversation for the first time. What’s lovely is that strangers will stop and chat to you on the street too. Everyone loves him at Brideoake Court, so much so friends often join me for walks with him if they fancy it, and I really enjoy the extra company. He’s very much the ‘centre of attention’ here.”

More time to enjoy doing the things they love is just one of the many perks of retirement for the ladies.

Anne says: “From drinks parties in the lounge, to trips to the local pub for fish and chips, I can honestly say that my social life is better than ever. My own family are even jealous as they can rarely get hold of me because I’m always out and about!”

“For me, the move has been a blessing,” agrees Pam. “Everything is on your doorstep, waiting for you to jump right in and do as little or as much as you fancy; people are so friendly in the area, and I’ve even been able to go to the local church a few times.”

“The location is simply perfect,” says Rita. “We have everything we need right here on our doorstop, including a great bus and taxi service, as well as a host of lovely shops. I’ve even given up driving because of how convenient it is. There is a fantastic garden which I love to sit out in, and the best thing is you don’t even have to maintain it or mow it, it’s all taken care of beautifully for us.” 

Avid gardener Pam adds: “The nice thing is, while some homeowners prefer to simply sit and enjoy the lovely gardens, for others—such as myself and Anne—we miss gardening, and the nice thing is that we can still tinker about with pots on patios or have fun planting out flowers or veg in one of three garden beds.” 

The trio even celebrate their birthdays together. Anne says: “We recently hosted a joint birthday party, where we enjoyed a glass of wine and a delicious food spread. We had a great time arranging the party together, and not only did it bring the three of us closer together, but it also brought the entire community closer together too.”

The ladies agree that one of the most important things they’ve found since moving to a new community is the important value of friendship. Rita concludes: “Whether you can provide companionship, a listening ear, or a shoulder to lean on, it’s comforting to know that there is always someone there. 

“What gives us all peace of mind is that unlike living in a house on your own, you feel more reassured living here. Before I moved, when visitors said goodbye and left, you’d sometimes feel totally on your own and there would be nobody to turn to if you needed something. Now there are lots of people around you, and without a doubt, it is the best move I ever made.”