How can I help a friend with infertility?

When a friend confides in you that they’re struggling to conceive, it’s common to find that you don’t know what to say or do, or that your efforts aren’t well received. This is closely linked to the fact that infertility has been shrouded in taboo for decades, meaning there aren’t any societal norms to lean on for guidance.  

Anna Sane, co-founder and COO/CMO at fertility platform Tilly has faced fertility challenges herself, and believes that we need to talk more about the topic in order to better educate each other on how we can help. So, before hitting pause on your friendship, take a breath and try out a few of the tips listed below. 

And please don't tell them to stay positive. 

When someone you love is sad, it’s natural to try to help out by giving them advice and reminding them that things happen for a reason and work out in the end. Despite these comments coming from a good place, what people in a crisis need the most is someone who just listens.  

Infertility is a complex diagnosis, with a range of different causes and solutions which your friend is likely researching in their own time and space. Anecdotes on how your colleague’s sister became pregnant, or sharing something you heard on the radio about diet and fertility, is not likely to help.

In fact, unsolicited advice, even when it’s meant with good intentions, can be triggering and even condescending, and backfire for you both. The same goes for comments like, “I’m sure it will work out for you” (how can you be?) or “You have to stay positive”—which might make you feel better, but will likely only make your friend feel worse.  

Instead, let your friend tell you about their treatment plan and their feelings, and ask if you can provide support, and how. Only share information if your friend has vocalised that this would be helpful and let them know they can redefine their boundaries around fertility support with you at any time. 

Take a second to check in with yourself before commenting on your friend’s experience. Ask yourself: Would I say this if my friend had cancer? While this may seem extreme, it has nothing to do with comparing infertility and cancer. In reality, research has shown that cancer and fertility patients share equally high stress levels. No one would say, “How exciting that you get to start your treatment” to someone going through chemo, yet this happens all the time with infertility.  

This becomes especially challenging when fertility treatments take a toll on the body, mind and relationship, and can make your friend feel isolated and misunderstood.  

The psychological impact of infertility (and its associated treatments) is severely underrated, so take a second to check in with yourself before you say something potentially insensitive. 

Fertility is a private matter, and it may feel intrusive to ask how your friend is doing, especially if they haven’t brought it up in a while. However, your friend might more likely feel that volunteering their experience with infertility, especially if it’s been tough, is unwanted or even burdensome. But in reality, it can feel very isolating if no one outside of your medical team ever asks. 

To avoid putting your friend on the spot, it’s important to ask the right questions, such as, “You don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, but I want you to know I’m thinking about you.”

Don’t bombard them daily, and make it a habit to check in when your friend has been a bit quiet, or you haven’t caught up recently. Starting with a simple “How’re things going?” or “How are you?” can also be the perfect first step.  

If you’re expecting, have recently given birth, organise a baby shower or just barbecue with a lot of children, you may worry that your friend will not want to join. But most people appreciate being invited, and given the option to say no, rather than not being invited at all.  

Excluding them may deepen their sense of isolation and loneliness. Whatever their choice, reassure them that you’ll keep extending the invites, no matter how often they’re declined, and that they’re a cherished member of their friend group regardless. 

While you may want to say something like, “Let me know if there is anything I can help with,” your friend may feel too overwhelmed or burnt out to deal with the emotional labour of deciding what they need from you, and when.  

Instead, ask them when they want you to take them for dinner, or if they want to go on a walk by their favourite spot. By being specific in your support, you are showing your friend that you’re there for them unequivocally, always. 

Living with infertility is often living in crisis or fear, with recurring trauma often appearing. As a result, 76 per cent of people experiencing infertility report anxiety, and 56 per cent experience depression.  

For those struggling, triggers can come up regularly, and it can be hard to settle into a routine or know what to do. Because of this, people’s boundaries around what they want to talk about, or what questions are “safe”, may fluctuate regularly. If your friend occasionally becomes angry, or seems to react negatively to a question, remember that you are both trying your best, and their reaction is not personal to you.

Understand that your friend needs a wide support network, and she might choose to talk to different friends about different things. Check in with yourself and remember that they’re acting in their best interest, and your friendship is still incredibly important and valuable. 

Read more: A guide to alternative infertility options

Read more: 6 Common infertility myths debunked

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