Helen Bauer: If I Ruled The World

I would double the number of ladies’ toilets. And I don’t care who uses them! With [regards to] the debate around trans women using ladies’ bathrooms—of course they should! I use the men’s all the time because the queue is so much shorter.

Women have so much more to do in the toilet. We’ve got to change tampons, we’ve got Mooncups to deal with, it takes us longer to get stuff off, my friends have cystitis constantly…We need more space because I genuinely think the time we're losing in the queue is part of the reason we don't have equal pay.

Everyone would have to do AmDram theatre once in their life. I think there are a lot of ego problems in our society—myself included—and a season of proper, regional AmDram would really help.

The kind where no kids audition, so you have a 60-year-old plumber playing Annie. It’s good for your confidence, it’s good for your sense of play, and it gets rid of ego entirely!

The mega rich wouldn’t be allowed to own extra homes. It just doesn’t make sense to me that some people have six or seven homes, when there are so many homeless people.

There are so many of these people out there with portfolios of extra houses—I didn’t like it when I played Monopoly with my brother and I don’t like it now.

All mental health care would be accessible to anybody who needed it without a waiting list. Not a very funny answer, but I think it’s important.

Everyone needs access to food when they’re pissed. It stops everything—it stops fights, it stops people wandering around the street…

Plus, food always tastes better when you’re drunk and I don’t think you can gain weight from it because calories don’t count when you’re drinking. I think if kebab shops were free past 11pm, nobody would have a bad night.

Disneyland would be built next to my house. According to current Disneyland rules, adults can’t attend dressed as Disney characters, because the children might get confused.

That’s a really frustrating rule, because I’m like six foot one, and I smoke. Even if I went to Disneyland dressed as Cinderella, there’s no chance of kids being like, “Oh, Mama, look at Cinderella!” So I really want a Disneyland in South London that I can go to dressed as Belle from Beauty and the Beast.

Garlic mayo would become accessible to all people at all times. I think if you order a pizza, it should always come with a never-ending supply of garlic and herb dips.

I know that Domino’s tried to appease us in 2016 when they created the four-in-one garlic and herb pot. I wasn’t appeased.

I would deal with bullying in schools. There’s got to be a better way to deal with bullies than to remove them from school for the day or putting them in isolation. Hurt people hurt people, and they need to be taken care of.

But also, it means they’re only gone for a short time and then they come right back. I still have friends now who peer pressure people on nights out, and I think it comes back to them being peer pressured at school…

Helen Bauer: Madam Good Tit is at Pleasance Courtyard at Edinburgh Fringe throughout August and then tours nationwide. Visit helenbauer.co.uk

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