The art of lazy lovemaking

If you’ve ever felt a twinge of performance anxiety in bed, please just imagine what it’s like to be a sex writer. Having written many guide-books on sex that have been published all over the world, I’m almost legally bound to be an amazing lover in my personal life too. No headaches or early nights for me. I may even have to reach for some Bondara "accessories" to get going.

As soon as I started writing my Sex Life column in GQ magazine back in 1996, I unthinkingly typed myself into a corner—a corner of the bedroom, where I’d better do something vigorous or vaguely dangerous every night or face a visit from Watchdog.

That wouldn’t be a problem if I were naturally an energetic, passionate lover. Unfortunately, I’m a comfort-seeking, Taurean (ruled by a COW, for goodness sake) sloth. My favourite sexual fantasy is one where I’m an electronic sex doll whose batteries have run out of charge.

I love the fun, intimacy and connection of sex and I’m insanely happily married. But I’m also the laziest person in the world whose FitBit thinks she’s dead. So by the time I’ve summoned the energy to drag myself up to bed, I’m never going to suggest anything lively.  

Luckily, sex does not have to be lively to be great. Please don’t ever feel guilty if every session doesn’t end with you both covered in sweat on top of your built-in wardrobe. Lazy, slow lovemaking can be incredibly satisfying, and surprisingly sexy. If you just started seeing someone, slower tempo and closeness can help you get to know your partner better. And if he is fighting his feelings for you, that will be hard to hide.

Here are my best low-effort/high reward moves. Adult content to follow…

If you’re as slothful as I am, your favourite position is probably missionary, because it’s gentle, cosy and only really requires any effort towards the end. However, despite being the UK’s favourite sexual position, it’s not always the most stimulating for women, and it can be hard work for the man. 

Fear not, my fellow lazy-boners—the CAT position solves all these problems in a simple, low-effort way. CAT stands for Coital Alignment Technique, and it’s really just a small adjustment to the missionary position.

You both start off in missionary with your legs flat. Then adjust your position slightly so the base of the penis is resting directly on top of the clitoris; usually this simply means the man pulls out slightly, and then moves his body up and forwards a couple of inches. When you’re in the right position, move your hips in a circular motion, and rock your pelvises together. For extra stimulation, the woman can wrap her legs around her partner’s waist, or slip a pillow underneath her hips. 

If the gentle movements of CAT don’t get you there, try adding a sex toy. A simple vibrating ring like this one from Durex will increase the sensations.

Being tied to the bed and forbidden to move? Sign me up! If you previously felt the kinky shenanigans described in books like 50 Shades of Grey seemed a bit strenuous, think again. Bondage is the perfect choice for anyone who’s lusty but lazy, because the equipment does all the work for you.

Restraints (like these, from Silvering UK) are an easy way to hold yourself in positions that would otherwise be far too much like hard work. For example, ankle restraints can be attached to the headboard of your bed, to raise and hold your legs. Or a sex swing makes standing-up sexual positions much easier.

Wearing blindfolds appears to increase how keenly you feel your other senses, and can transform a half-hearted massage into something truly erotic. Just don’t make the mistake I did and kid yourself you can stay awake through a blindfolded, lavender-oil massage. You can’t.

The Spoons position—where you lie curled up, man behind woman—is the lowest-effort position possible. But that can also mean it’s one of the least stimulating. Often you end up moving into a more stimulating position (like doggy style) which can be effective, but exhausting.

So instead of simple Spooning, try my sleepy spooning move. Start in the spoons position but then the woman brings her knees up tightly to her chest, while the man moves his chest slightly away from her back and holds on to her hips.

This position alters the angle of the vagina, meaning it gives far more stimulation to both of you. In this position you’re also free (if you can summon the energy; I won’t judge if you can’t) to use your hands on each other or yourself. Massage the clitoris, or hold on to the base of the penis, to increase the sensation with every thrust.