Letting go of Christmas stress could save your relationship

As a kid, I remember Christmas morning at my parents’ house always being chaotic. Before 20-odd relatives would arrive for lunch, there’d be frenzied cooking, cleaning, and rushing about—will there be enough food? Is so-and-so bringing their partner?

Like many families, mine were doing their best to navigate the expectations that come with the holidays. It’s supposed to be a time of joy and happiness; the most wonderful time of the year. Everything needs to be perfect. Everyone needs to get along. 

Yet placing this kind of pressure on the festivities often only sets us up to fail. After all, has trying to manufacture happiness ever actually made anyone feel good? And it’s in no small part why Christmas is one of the most common times of year for couples to break up. 

Ever felt panicked at the thought of bringing a partner home for the holidays? With the ideals around Christmas in the air, you may have looked at them a little more critically.

You might have worried about how they’d be received—or asked yourself some tough questions about whether you see them as being part of your family.

As best put by a woman named Kate, who was interviewed in a piece by the website Stuff.co.nz: “Everything that was in the Christmas movies and ads only kind of highlighted what was missing in my life.”

Thoughts like these can be a good thing. They can bring pent-up feelings to the surface and, as in Kate’s case, help us realise that our relationship isn’t working. But they can also stir undue pressure and anxiety, creating heightened expectations for what a “good partner” should be. 

In 2013, Time magazine reported that over the holidays, people believe their partners should demonstrate their love through clear, tangible acts.

This could be giving a gift or making the effort to attend your friend’s Christmas party: as long as it’s enough to signal their commitment to your relationship. 

And if the festive season is especially symbolic or important to you, you may also hold your partner to particular standards for how you want it to go.

But if they missed the memo on gift giving, or just don't see Christmas as big a deal as you do, is that something to hold against them? 

For some, the stress all of this brings is enough to call time on their relationship. A survey of 1,600 users by dating app RedHotPie found that 56 per cent of men and 71 per cent of women would prefer to cut and run than introduce their partner to their families over the holidays.

What if we lifted some of that pressure? Once freed from the strain of trying to make everything rosy, we might see—and, dare I say, enjoy—our relationship for what it is.

While family gatherings do tend to come with a degree of scrutiny towards you and your life choices, remember that your relationship is the same as any other time of year. Though you will probably need to communicate and check in with each other more than usual.

If there are problems between you, address them. If you have certain expectations or concerns, then share them.

And if you do want the relationship to be over, then be honest and end it. It’s not fair to either of you to stick around on a sinking ship just because it’s Christmas. 

Sometimes the holidays are less than magical, and that’s OK. Family events can be awkward or just a bit boring, and sometimes there’s an uncle who behaves badly and he spoils lunch for everyone. It happens—we’re all human and families can be complicated.