How to build a sexual soul connection

International sexuality transformational leader Sofia Sundari shares her tips on building the bond of a soul connection with your sexual partner. 

Most of us have experienced the familiarity stage of a relationship. You're both walking around in your pyjamas, with unwashed hair, bickering about the dishwasher or what to cook for dinner—especially in light of recent lockdown. It's sad but true that most relationships end after two or three years, once the hormones that once gave us butterflies and rushes of overwhelming love have died down.

In order to create a "soul connection" with your current or future partner, you need to overcome conditioning, fears, masks, expectations and projections. Here are four tangible, practical ways to work with your sexuality in order to build a soul connection.

 

1. Radical honesty

a couple holding coffee having a deep conversation

One of the most important things when it comes to creating a deep connection with your partner is the practice of radical honesty. We need to get honest with our partner about things that cause shame, blame and guilt. After we bring these things out from the shadows and into the open, they are transformed and we can move through them.

Radical honesty is rare in relationships. It is difficult, uncomfortable and it ignores the risk of consequence. Radical honesty gives feedback even when there is a danger or even a certainty, that it will not be received well or that it will hurt or upset the other person.

"We need to get honest with our partner about things that cause shame, blame and guilt"

Radically honest conversations are usually not easy, but however hard they may be, they always lead to growth between two people.

Radically honest communication is really important in order to essentially become emotionally naked with each other, to be vulnerable, to remove masks, strip away the layers of who we pretend to be and really see each other, eye to eye, soul to soul.

 

2. Express your needs, desires and fears

interacial couple embracing

One of the most fundamental elements of all conscious relating tantric practices is the expression of our needs, desires and fears. You will need to first get honest with yourself in order to be able to do this. Amazingly, most people don’t ever take the time to really get to know themselves on an intimate enough level to know what would make them feel satisfied by a relationship. If this is the case, no wonder most of our relationships are not satisfying!

Read more: How to overcome masturbation shame

If we are not honest about what we need, desire and fear, it can quietly and subtly erode away a relationship. When I was married, I was terrified of expressing myself—particularly when it came to my desires. Although unaware of this at the time, I can now see that I was afraid of being abandoned.

Every time I felt a “bad” or “shameful” desire creeping in, I would quickly block and suppress it, believing it to be dangerous and a potential threat to my marriage. I should have done the difficult thing and been honest by expressing my "shameful" desires to my husband, but instead, I swallowed and suppressed them. I remained unfulfilled and unsatisfied and eventually, my marriage ended. Thankfully I have now done enough inner work around releasing sexual shame (that we ALL carry thanks to society and our attitudes picked up on from our parents) that I can recognise and move through it when it comes up, but back then, I simply could not.

"Ask yourself what it is that you really want in life and from your relationship"

So, ask yourself what it is that you really want in life and from your relationship. How can your relationship and your partner support you as you grow? What are your baseline needs, the things that you want and your fears? Ask yourself these questions and you can then make this into a conscious relating tantric
practice, by discussing them in a two-way conversation with your partner.

Take turns to express, listen to and hold space for one another. You will reach a new level of understanding and empathy and feel much closer, safer and more able to be yourself afterwards. Particularly when it comes to our fears, simply by addressing and naming them out loud, we can move through them energetically, breathe a sigh of relief and finally feel free. You will be surprised by this exercise just how much baggage you are carrying around with you. No wonder you feel heavy!

Read more: Why does self-pleasure make women feel guilty?

 

3. Turn self-pleasure into a ritual

lit candles in a bedroom

Until you truly love, accept, cherish and adore all parts of yourself, how can you expect your partner to do so? Make self-pleasure a sensual, slow and erotic act of love for your entire being. Take the time to set the space and the environment for you to truly worship and fall in love with yourself. Light candles, burn some incense and play some music.

Self-pleasure should be an act of love and adoration for your entire being. Self-pleasure can make us fall in love with ourselves like never before. We can overcome body image issues, confidence issues and truly love every aspect of ourselves. Once—and only once—we do this, we enter the correct space in order for our partner to be able to do the same.

 

4. Work on safety and trust

It goes without saying that safety and trust are fundamental to any relationship. How can you be expected to let go and share the most intimate and vulnerable parts of yourself with someone if you do not trust them or feel safe? When a woman feels safe in a relationship she can let go, relax and feel fully able to be herself and express herself without fear, shame or hesitation.

"How can you be expected to let go and share the most intimate and vulnerable parts of yourself with someone if you do not trust them or feel safe?"

To build up safety and trust inside of your relationship we can simply follow through with the things that we said we would do. We can give our stable and consistent presence to our partner, be willing to give unconditionally without expecting anything back (yet knowing that those who give from the heart get back tenfold from the universe) as much as we receive and, as in number two in this list, learn to express ourselves and hold strong, supportive space for each other.

 

5. Drop the games

elderly couple cuddling

If you want to return to your original erotic innocence, power and love with your partner, you have to be willing to drop all games and do that work together.
Games are ultimately products of guilt and shame. Who says sorry first? Who loves the other one more? Who contributes the most?

These things can cause tension and hurt in a relationship but if you want to transition to a true soul connection then you need to drop these games that do not matter and most importantly do not serve. It is good to recognise and communicate if you feel hurt, but do not let this become power play.

 

Read more: The ultimate guide to sharing nudes safely

Read more: How to overcome sexual shame

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