Going through divorce amicably

Many people view divorce as a battle where the spouses fight out every issue from child custody and financial arrangements to who keeps the wedding presents and who gets the goldfish. But in fact most people end their marriages with dignity, then fairly quickly move on with their lives. An amicable divorce will not only save you immense stress but also a lot of money, and is the way most people do it. However, to achieve this, you need to have the right professionals by your side. The team of Family Solicitors you choose is a critical part of the equation. They should be able to provide you with the best representation while also working towards a healthy and amicable divorce.

Once you decide to split up, the first person you should talk to is not your lawyer but your soon-to-be ex-partner. The conference agenda:

If your ex-partner is reluctant to try the cooperative approach, trot out the facts about contested divorces: they take much longer, they are infinitely more expensive, they create more problems than they solve and they can leave the two of you permanent adversaries. That can make for a lifetime of tension-packed encounters at events such as children's school performances, graduations and weddings, and grandchildren's birthdays.

You don't have to like each other. Just be sensible and avoid getting involved in bitter hostilities if you possibly can. In the end, being able to share your children's triumphs is more important than who gets the stereo.

Why do people who never lost a night's sleep over your marriage suddenly present themselves as indispensable guides as soon as you start down the road to divorce? Because, they tell you, they “have your best interests at heart”; they “know how you feel”; they “know a good lawyer/counsellor/detective/psychic” you simply must see. Because, some will say, they've “been there”. And because, all will say, they knew all along that your no-good spouse was never right for you.

I Know how you feel, I've been there. I knew all along they were no-good

The only thing that they don't seem to know is that this is your divorce and yours alone. You and only you must control it. No matter how well intentioned or well informed your family members are, it is almost always best to accept their emotional support but keep them away from the action.

So yes, go ahead and listen—to your wise uncle, to your parents, to your sisters and cousins and aunts. Listen to your friend, to your hairdresser, to your child's football coach … but then make your own decisions.

As soon as you contemplate divorce, the most important thing to do is review your financial circumstances. Make sure you understand your present financial position and future needs. Do a budget. If your ex-partner is responsible for the family finances, check the status of any joint accounts and that any joint mortgage payments are up to date. The more legwork you can do yourself the better. As the nature of the divorce process depends on mutual financial disclosure, don't throw away anything relevant—keep bank statements, for example. It's important that your solicitor understands the full picture.

Dividing up assets and sorting out future financial arrangements is often the most complicated part of a divorce, and can create considerable tension. Assets include savings and investments, the family home and personal property. It is best if you and your ex-partner can come up with an agreement with which you are both happy. This can avoid the need for a protracted and expensive court battle. Reaching an agreement is not always easy, however, and family dispute-resolution services are available to help you with this task.

The first step is to list all of the things that you own. Identify items that you own alone and those that you own jointly. Next, look at the contribution that you and your ex-partner made to the relationship. This includes both financial contributions as well as non-monetary contributions, such as home-maker duties. You should then consider the future financial needs of both partners. Will you be the main caregiver of your children? How easy will it be for you to earn an income, particularly if you were a stay-at-home parent with smaller children or a special-needs child?

Either the solicitor (or the lawyer), or the court needs to know what each of you earns and who owns what, so that the assets can be divided fairly and future financial needs assessed—especially if you have children. If you don't both share your details freely, your lawyers could spend months in the attempt to extract information, racking up billable hours in the process. Better for you and your ex-partner to sit down together like adults and get it done in a day or two. Both of you will gain, financially and emotionally, from sharing this information, which eventually is going to come out anyway.

Once the divorce is settled the next stage is moving on.

When you're ready to start again, find the right companion for you with Reader's Digest Dating