Can you choose to fall out of love deliberately?

Back in 2017, US rapper Dessa was caught in an all-too-familiar struggle: she was still in love with her ex. She’d fallen for him at age 21, yet couldn’t shake her feelings over a decade later.

One evening, Dessa discovered the work of biological anthropologist, Dr Helen Fisher, who has shown how the brain behaves when you’re in love. Inspired, she wondered: if there is a biological basis to love, perhaps there’s a way to force it out of us?

So, she connected with a team of neuroscientists at the University of Minnesota, to see if they could train her brain to respond to her ex in a different way. It appeared to work. 

This experiment is one of a few to investigate how, and whether, we can consciously curb our feelings of romantic love. And to a degree, some studies suggest that it’s possible. 

When feelings of love pop up, say from thinking about your main squeeze, parts of your brain that make the “feel good” chemical dopamine become active.

Notably, the ventral tegmental area (VTA) lights up, which is part of the brain’s reward system. It’s associated with motivation, goal-oriented behaviour, and also craving. 

That’s why some liken being in love to an addiction. “It’s like your reward system is activated by that person. If they leave you, you have to get rid of that habitual, compulsive need to see them,” professor of clinical neuropsychology at Cambridge University, Barbara Sahakian, told The Guardian in 2020. 

So, in theory, to fall out of love, you need to teach your brain to kick the habit of wanting your ex.

One way science has suggested trying is by changing how you think about them—a strategy called cognitive reappraisal.

In a 2017 study, thinking about their ex’s negative qualities was enough to dial down participants’ feelings of love and attachment, although it also put them in an unpleasant mood. 

Dessa’s experiment used a technique called neurofeedback. This is when you watch live representations of your brain activity while completing tasks and/or receiving different stimuli, in hopes of subconsciously re-training it to change its behaviour.

When the parts of Dessa’s brain associated with love dropped from hyperactive to regular levels of activity (as you’d see in someone not in love), she was “rewarded” with pleasant harp sounds—so her brain would learn not to set itself off in the same way. 

After nine sessions, a scan revealed that her VTA no longer lit up when she was shown a photo of her ex. Biologically, she was out of love, and her fixation feelings dropped off. 

Other studies have shown that neurofeedback can regulate activity in the hippocampus, which plays a role in processing emotions. The jury is still out, but this suggests that we have some control over how we move on from an ended relationship. 

However, I’d argue that by that point, you’ve already started falling out of love—and regrettably, we don’t seem to have any say on when that process begins. 

Per a 2013 study, most folks have a distinct moment of realisation that they no longer see their partner in the same way. It happens after the relationship becomes damaged and being together no longer feels good. 

Strategies for getting over someone won’t be the thing that first snaps you away from them, but they may help you reframe your attachment feelings. Nor will they spare you from the hurt that comes with a breakup, I’m afraid.