6 Reasons you are attracted to avoidant or unavailable men

Sometimes it seems that the people we date all fall within the same type. If this type is men that are avoidant or unavailable, then dating can be difficult. Sometimes it can even be dangerous. 

In her new book, Heal Your Anxious Attachment Release Past Trauma, Cultivate Secure Relationships, and Nurture a Deeper Sense of Self, Jennifer Nurick has the solution to breaking this dating cycle. The first step is identifying why you are attracted to these men. 

You are probably reading this because you are frustrated at yourself for choosing another unavailable partner. Maybe he is married or lives in another state or country. Perhaps he is dating you, but he seems to be married to his work, mother, or friends. Or maybe he lives with you but is emotionally unavailable, leaving you deeply alone in your relationship. Whatever the situation, here you are again with yet another unavailable partner, wondering if it is you or just bad luck.

Women with an anxious attachment style will often be attracted to men with an avoidant attachment style, even though it is a painful combination. Let’s unpack the reasons for this.

Research has demonstrated that we are often attracted to people with similar qualities to our primary caregivers who seem familiar to us.  So, if one or both of your parents were avoidant, and that is what you are used to, you could unconsciously be attracted to someone who matches your beliefs of how relationships should be (similar to how you grew up, for instance). It FEELS comfortable, even though later on, it feels uncomfortable.

When your model of self says that you don’t deserve love, that others aren't capable of meeting your needs, or that love is not real unless you have to earn it, it can be challenging when you are with someone secure and available. There is an unconscious sense of “why are they interested in me? Eventually, they will find out that I’m not good enough.”

Sometimes, when you are with a secure partner, you might inadvertently push them away. It doesn't feel like your template relationship from your childhood, so you look for something that feels different; you look for someone who is less available.

You saw your parents have a relationship dynamic where one was more avoidant and the other anxious. Perhaps they were together but emotionally disconnected. 

You want their traits in yourself. The honeymoon phase can be amazing for this couple.

He’s stable, secure, grounded, and his nervous system feels calm (although it might rest in hypoarousal-dorsal vagal shutdown). This can be very attractive to those with an anxious style who want more of this in themselves. 

Feeling the wounded inner child behind the shutdown adult and wanting to help heal him. 

You are subconsciously trying to heal what happened in the past by repeating the same dynamic you saw as a child and are still trying to work out and heal that dynamic.