Things your waiter won't tell you

Thinking of dining out this weekend? Get some insider knowledge to make your experience more enjoyable, you may even get a free glass of wine.

See that “food solutions” van? It’s full of ready-meals for restaurants. You order a Brie-and-redcurrant filo or pasta Napoletana and all we have to do is heat and serve.

The table’s not yours for the night. My rule is: the bigger the bill, the longer you stay, so I reckon on 50 minutes for lunch, an hour and a half for dinner. Caesar salad and tap water for two? You’ve got 20 minutes.

Bread and olives, madam? Chunky chips, sir? And would you like a salad with that? They’re the extras that bump up your bill.

The law makes sure I sell beer, wine and spirits in set measures, but if you ask for orange juice, I choose how much you get.

If food’s covered with sauce, who knows what’s in there? Dodgy restaurants usually overcook meat, so if you pick steak, ask for one rarer than you really want. You can always send it back if it’s too pink.

Please don’t keep me waiting while you argue about who had the chips, passed on ice cream, or needs to leave a tip.

I can’t make a table for two stretch to four.

Pay them a visit before you order, while there’s still time to walk out.

And those rave reviews in the lobby date back to 2003. By all means read what the critics have to say—just be sure to check the date.

It’s half the price of dinner and if you book on a weekday, there’s often a special deal.

It doesn’t have to try, does it?

Then we’ll have to find you the table by the window you asked for—or give you a free glass of champagne.

Check the vintage and make sure I open it at the table so you know what you’re getting. Saying that you’ll pour it yourself stops me refilling your glass so you’ll order more.

You won’t know if service is included or see that I’ve charged for an extra bottle of wine if you don’t. If you’ve had too much to drink, ask the driver in your party to do it for you.

It could be the food we need to use up.

If they still have space the day before, ask yourself why.

It’s easier to get a table when we’re not busy. And once I identify you as a regular, I’ll fit you in at the weekends when we’re frantic. I might even refill your glass for free.

The tourist office is first on the right. The market is on Wednesdays. The nearest bank is 100 yards away. And our toilets are for customers only.

Love eating out? Try the wonderfully hilarious A-Z of Eating Out for all wonders of practical eating out advice. All-you-can-eat buffet, Complaining, Family meals, Going Dutch, Invitations, Liquid lunch, Outdoor eating, Queuing, Star chefs, Tipping, Vegetables, Wine list, X-factor, and many more.