Olly Mann: The Mannies!

It’s that time of year again: the red carpets are being dusted off, the shortlists scrutinised for diversity, and, suddenly, people care who Frances McDormand is wearing. Yes, it’s Awards Season!

TV ratings for these star-studded shindigs have been plummeting, as viewers feel increasingly disconnected from the luvvies on parade. Well, I’m here to correct that, as I humbly present the winners of my awards…an awards for the people: THE MANNIES.

I used to be sniffy about Asda (“‘Extra Special’ brioche, eh? I’ll be the judge of that!”, I’d snort, as I popped another M&S chargrilled calamari ring into my gob), but thanks to our friend the Cost of Living Crisis, I’ve found myself frequenting the green supermarket quite a lot recently (and, yes, the yellow-and-blue one too).

As a result, when we needed a new duvet cover, we got one from George’s "At Home With Stacey Solomon" range, and: Good Lord. It’s the warmest, softest, cosiest envelopment I’ve ever experienced, like being hugged by a giant teddy bear. Remember when Loyd Grossman went from being an annoying TV presenter to Pasta God thanks to his range of supermarket sauces? Solomon has repeated the trick: no longer, in my mind, is she "the toothy one off The X Factor". She is Martha Stewart, 2.0.  

There’s not much to enjoy about this time of year in Britain, quite frankly, but frozen cobwebs always floor me with their beauty and complexity. It’s like a reward for being too lazy to clean the roof of my shed! The weather turns, the temperature drops, and, presto: free art.  

As someone who chomps through multiple salmon bagels per week, constantly having cream cheese at hand is a necessity. Unfortunately, I’m the only one in my house who eats it (except the cat, and even he’s suspicious). So, for years—literally, years—each week I’ve been buying a packet, eating half of it, and then, when it goes green and furry, chucking it out and opening another. A lamentable waste of money and food.

But then…I discovered Philadelphia Light Soft Cheese Mini Tubs—packs of four single-serve cream cheese portions with individual lids. Good work, Kraft. Just when you think the food conglomerates have thought of everything, they hit a home run. 

Radio bosses always want "appointment to listen" moments: Ken Bruce’s Popmaster, say, or the Today programme’s Thought for the Day. These features are hard to originate, and, in a world of on-demand media, vanishingly rare. Yet Matt Chorley has managed it. The chummy politico hosts PMQs Unpacked on Times Radio, and every Wednesday at midday, I religiously tune in.

Instead of doing what every other news network does—running Prime Minister’s Questions live from the Commons, then analysing it afterwards—Chorley playfully pauses the tape between each round of Sunak/Starmer action, pores over the exchanges with well-informed, cynical sidekicks like Tim Shipman and Ayesha Hazarika, predicts what might happen next, and scores the politicians’ performances. Suddenly, the sloganeering, Punch-and-Judy exchanges take on a play-along, Bingo-style quality, even when the subject at hand is grim.

Did you know there’s an edit button in WhatsApp? Well, there is, but for some reason Meta didn’t go round plastering the fact on double-decker buses and creating a new Bank Holiday in celebration: instead, they simply posted to their blog last May, “This feature has started rolling out to users globally and will be available to everyone in the coming weeks.”

But it’s a game-changer. Made a typo? Edit it! Sent an angry text to your ex? Edit it! Forgot to congratulate your friend on their good news because you were too busy talking about yourself? Edit it! Lifesaver. 

Forget your plastic dreidels, fortune-telling fish and compact mirrors: this Christmas I received the best cracker gift of all time—a little metal hexagon that fits on my keyring to use in supermarket trolleys when you don’t have a pound coin. Because, who carries coins these days? It even has a quick-action release-button, so my keyring doesn’t dangle from the trolley. Well worth the tenner I spent on the box of crackers itself.  

The best hour I spent on the web last year was, hands down, voting in the National Cat Awards. Not only do you get to browse photos of the supremely cute nominees, you also uncover their incredible stories: in 2023, the prestigious Cat of the Year prize went to Zebby, a moggy who supports his deaf owner by alerting her to sounds around the home and bringing her post like a dog.

Plaudits to Cats Protection for creating these awards, and trying to turn round the public perception of cats as sociopathic killers, but that’s a long old climb, I suspect. (Runner-up: The British Kebab Awards. And yes, this is me offering up my services as a well-qualified Judge…) 

Ta-da! Thus ends this year’s Mannies: no Lifetime Achievement Award, no post-awards interviews, merely a useful list of winners. Just like Awards Season should be.