How to spot the signs of super-helper syndrome

Do you have super-helper syndrome? How to spot the signs

7th Nov 2022 Life

Do you put everyone's needs above your own and struggle to say no to requests for help? You might be a super-helper. Here are the signs to look out for

Some of us are better at helping others than we are at looking after ourselves. Maybe you’re like this. Maybe you know someone who is. These are the people who are susceptible to the Super-Helper Syndrome—where you feel compelled to help others but don’t look after your own needs.

"They are the problem-solvers, the mediators, the fixers who can’t resist any opportunity to help"

They are all around us. Most obviously you will find them in the caring professions, giving strength to our schools, clinics, care homes and hospitals. But they are also in offices, gyms, community groups and charities. Helping whenever and wherever they can, either at work or in their own time. They are the problem-solvers, the mediators, the fixers who can’t resist any opportunity to help.

We’ve set out the signs that you might be vulnerable to the Super-Helper Syndrome and also the harm it might be causing you if you are.

Signs that you’re a compulsive helper

You help in all aspects of your life—your job, family, friends, volunteering, colleagues, clients, neighbours…the list is endless
You are the one that everyone turns to, the first port of call when they are in distress
You struggle to say no to requests for help
People open up to you even when you’ve just met them. Strangers unload their whole life story—the delivery man, the waiter, the woman at the bus stop
You ask lots of questions but notice that other people don’t show as much interest in what’s going on in your life
Your relationships are lopsided—you help people but they seldom do the same for you. You make all the effort: remembering birthdays, keeping in touch, sending well-wishes for that job interview
You get swept up in other people’s drama. You’re constantly offering advice or trying to fix their situation
You feel guilty if you are unable to help

Super-helpers help whenever and wherever they can, from their jobs to volunteering in their free time

Signs that you’re not meeting your needs

You put everyone else’s needs above your own
You deny you have any needs of your own, using excuses like, “I’m fine, you carry on"
If someone asked you, you’d struggle to say what you need in life. If pressed, everything you could think of would really be about meeting other people’s needs—your partner, your children, your friends, your colleagues
You feel guilty looking after yourself

The harmful effects of the Super-Helper Syndrome

It’s important to spot the signs early so you can take action before you reach a state of collapse.

Exhaustion

Many helpers run on empty and take this for granted. Are you tired all the time? Do you have no time for yourself? Do you suffer muscle tension or headaches? Do you feel irritable, tetchy or just weighed down?

Resentment

Are you stretched out like an elastic band that’s eventually going to snap? It’s easy to say you don’t want anything in return, but the reality is it’s hard to keep going indefinitely if you get little reward. At the very least you deserve thanks and recognition. Do you find yourself ruminating on how much you do for others?

Exploitation

If you never express any needs, then it’s easy (and convenient too) for other people to act as if you don’t have any, to take advantage of your helping. If you give the impression you want nothing in return, you get nothing in return. That’s why it’s important to take a hard look at whether some of the people you are helping are exploiting you. Do they really need help at all? Do they need your help?

Self-Criticism

It’s ironic that those who are so good at looking after others are often less kind to themselves. Helpers’ self-criticism typically operates on two levels. Do you criticise yourself for not helping enough? This is helper’s guilt. Do you criticise yourself for experiencing the other three adverse impacts of the Super-Helper Syndrome: for feeling exhausted, resentful or exploited?

It's important to take care of your own mental wellbeing as well as helping others

If you are helping to the point where you are finding it difficult to look after yourself, it’s important to find practical solutions to help you survive. You need to identify the underlying beliefs that drive compulsive helping. Only then can you to learn how to counter those beliefs. You need to see that however difficult your circumstances when you are looking after a dependent, you deserve to have your own needs met too.

"Helping works best when it comes out of compassion rather than compulsion"

Helping is a great thing to do and it’s an essential part of all our relationships. But it works best when it comes out of compassion rather than compulsion. That’s only possible if you adopt a Healthy Helper Mindset, where you look after your own needs too and can set helping boundaries without feeling guilty.

The Super-Helper Syndrome by Jess Baker and Rod Vincent

Jess Baker and Rod Vincent are Chartered Psychologists and the authors of The Super-Helper Syndrome: A Survival Guide for Compassionate People (Flint Books, available in hardback £18.99 and ebook) www.jessbaker.co.uk/shsbookclub

Keep up with the top stories from Reader's Digest by subscribing to our weekly newsletter

*This post contains affiliate links, so we may earn a small commission when you make a purchase through links on our site at no additional cost to you.