The papers say the funniest things

"Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It’s a special branch vehicle, and they don’t want the public to know what it looks like."

—The Guardian

"A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, 'this sort of thing is all too common.'" 

—The Times

—Harrogate Advertiser

"Man gets shock of his life when he buys two toy poodles for $150 only to be told by vet that they are actually GIANT RODENTS pumped up with sterodis to look like dogs"

—Daily Mail

"Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. 'He’d always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out Heil Hitler.'" 

—Bournemouth Evening Standard

— Daily Telegraph

"Oak Forest police are looking for a man who claimed to be a superhero and stole a piece of cake during a children’s party last Sunday night."

—Daily Star

—Manchester Evening News

"A German shop assistant in a late-night convenience store chased away two armed robbers demanding money with the hose of a vacuum cleaner she was using to clean her shop in Berlin's Neukoelln district, police said on Wednesday."

—Oddly Enough Reuters

"A man caught dancing to music on top of a police car said it was not an outbreak of disco fever but a warning to the Sherriff of Nottingham about vampires."

—The Daily Telegraph

—South London Press

"We apologize for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that 'Mr Fred Nicolme is a Defective in the Police Force'. This was a typographical error. We meant of course that Mr Nicolme is a Detective in the Police Farce."

—The Derby Abbey Community News