Bibliophile humour: Bookish jokes to make you laugh

I’ve just had a new Lord of the Rings-themed kitchen installed. The grill and the oven are great but I really like the hob bit. 

When F Scott Fitzgerald got a bad cold, he went to bed with a bottle of whisky and within a couple of hours it had gone. 
Although of course he still had a cold. 

What happens if you get caught gluing the pages of a biography together? 
Multiple back-to-back life sentences. 

I had a really bad day today. I had two volumes of the collected works of Hegel on the back seat of my car and somebody smashed the side window and left two more. 

I was driving down the M1 motorway yesterday and saw a man in the outside lane reading a novel while he was overtaking. 
I was so angry that I stopped texting and gave him a beep.  

What do you call a bookworm who can’t stop reading about strong female characters? 
A heroine addict! 

I’ve just read a book all about Stockholm Syndrome. It wasn’t much fun at the beginning, but by the time I got to the end I thought it was amazing. 

Doctor: You’ve broken your fingers but we’ll be able to sort them out. 
Patient: Will I be able to write a book once they’re fixed? 
Doctor: Absolutely. 
Patient: Excellent, because I couldn’t manage it before. 

What do you get if you cross a writer with a deadline? 
A really clean house. 

Did you know that Aristophanes once wrote a drama all about puns? 
It was a play on words. 

Ben Travers walks into a bar holding a huge script. The barman asks: “Why the long farce?” 

Pádraig comes to England and applies for a job on a building site. To test his knowledge, the foreman asks: “What’s the difference between a joist and a girder?” “Ah, that’s an easy one,” says Pádraig. “The first wrote Ulysses and the other wrote Faust.” 

I’ve just begun a speed-reading course. Last night I read Infinite Jest in 15 seconds. I know it’s only two words, but I’m still a beginner. 

I couldn’t find the Mills & Boon section at the library. I asked the librarian and she told me I’d been looking for love in all the wrong places. 

How many book reviewers does it take to change a light bulb? 
The problem is they don’t know how to do it, but if you have a go they’ll be happy to stay comfortably in their chairs and tell you exactly what you’re doing wrong.

Extracted from The Book Lover’s Joke Book by Alex Johnson, published by British Library Publishing.

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