60 second stand-up: Mark Thomas

I used to open a show by looking at the audience and saying, “What are they singing about in opera?” I’d then pretend to be a tenor and start singing utter filth. 

I tell the true story of how I was once writing in chalk on the pavement, when a pensioner came up to me and said, “Putin is trying to stop this. I will join you.” 

Watch Mark in action (contains strong language):

One lady heckled me and apologised for it when we met 25 years later. 

One time I was performing at a student union in Scotland. It wasn’t the best gig in the world, and I got escorted out by security. They’d quite literally got me a taxi.

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Dave Allen, Alexei Sayle, Woody Allen… generally people who do things their own way.

I’d have the Midas Touch in reverse: the Pauper’s Touch. Anywhere the rich were getting too uppity, I’d go round with my power of penury and make them poor.