Glen Moore: If I Ruled The World

Cinema armrests would come with a little mouse that the audience could wiggle when they want to see how long is left of the film. Especially for those films that are about two hours and 40 minutes long. In those sorts of films they would also pinpoint moments where you could go to the loo and not miss anything. 

Car alarms would shout the owner’s name and address. This is for two reasons. First, if the alarm goes off in the middle of the night then you’ll know it’s your car. Second, if another car alarm goes off in the middle of the night, then you’ll know which annoying neighbour to blame.

When boarding planes, the people with a window seat would board first, then everyone with a middle seat, and finally those with aisle seats. It would make everything very, very easy.

Now the argument against this is, “What would you do about babies? Would they be left unattended?” Well, on this airline no babies would be allowed. Which would mean it’s a great airline. I think it’s a perfect, perfect method.

I’d revolutionise escalators at train stations. Escalators are usually split into two lanes. You stand on one side if you’re happy to just stand on the escalator, then there’s a separate lane for people who are in a rush. That’s how most escalators work. But I think there should be third lane. So there’d be a standing lane, a separate lane for if you’re in a rush, and then a third lane for when you’re in a rush and you’re also fast.

I think those are two separate things. People can be in a rush but also slow. And they need to be in a separate lane to people who are in a rush and also quick.

Cash machines would have a double-or-nothing function. It would only be when you’re taking out a fiver, so nothing really consequential. And similarly, you’d only be able to do it once a month so you wouldn’t get addicted.

But imagine it’s Friday night, you’re just taking out five pounds, and the machine asks, “Do you want the option to double or nothing?”. There’s a chance you’ll end up with zero and it will ruin your weekend. But if you win a tenner that would really, really make your Saturday and Sunday, I think.

Heists would be legal. Obviously in this world we’d be very strict on crime in general. However, if someone puts on a really committed, non-violent heist, like a jewellery heist, or The Italian Job, and they get away with it, then I think let them. The way I see it is that if they really put the thought in, and it’s going to make an excellent film one day, then well done. If anything they should get a cut of the movie profits, too. 

In election campaigning, there would be an independent vote deduction committee. Now what I mean by this is that if any party is found to have been lying about something on the campaign trail, then a percentage of the votes they get would be deducted.

It would be done by an independent committee, like a cross-party group of MPs, but they would make sure that everyone fully tells the truth. The only downside is that everyone’s manifestos would be really boring, because they’d only tell you stuff they know they could stick to…

Adults would get to do French exchange trips. I think we should give older people the opportunity, too. So every now and then your dad would just get switched out with 62-year-old Anton. It’d be fun for the family to mix it up a bit. 

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