Ben Miller: If I ruled the world

1st Jan 2015 Celebrities

Award-winning comedian, actor, writer and presenter Ben Miller was studying for a PhD in quantum physics when he decided to pursue a life in comedy instead. Here are the laws he'd enforce as king of the world.

I’d ban bottled water…

The idea that it’s a luxury to drink water that’s been standing still in a fetid plastic bottle for ages is absurd. Tap water tastes much better.

I’d have drinking fountains on every street corner and no waiter would look at you as though you were a cheapskate when you ask for tap water in a restaurant.

I’d bring back scary stories for children…

I’ve had enough of books where a fluffy bunny teaches a child to say please.

I was brought up on the stuff of nightmares, such as Der Struwwelpeter’s tailor chopping off children’s thumbs with huge scissors and Hansel and Gretel being imprisoned and tortured by a terrible witch.

If we keep telling our children nothing bad is ever going to happen, what will they do when the penny finally drops?

I’d add to our citizenship test…

With the passing of great names like Ronnie Corbett and Victoria Wood, I’m all too keenly aware that there are whole generations who lack an understanding of the great British sense of humour.

So my three crucial requirements for the Life In The UK test are:

1) Have a pretty good stab at reciting Monty Python’s 'Dead Parrot' sketch

2) Know a few of Ronnie Corbett’s answers from the 'Four Candles' sketch

3) Hold a glass of wine and re-enact Del Boy as he falls through the bar in Only Fools and Horses. I reckon that would sort out our immigration problems in one fell swoop.

Read more: Victoria Wood's life in comedy