Who needs critics when websites come with user reviews. This lot have something to say about the books, movies and music that are commonly considered classics. All reviews are unedited (including spelling mistakes and typos—fun!).

Where are all the giants?

Animal Farm by George Orwell

one star reviews

“This book is terrible. I mean, I know it was written like ages ago when movies were all about giants, ants and stuff, but none of the animals on this farm were even radioactive or giant or anything, so who cares?”

— Maskoolio

Although we're on the critics' side here, we do agree that the story would have been a little enhanced by a radioactive pig or two.

 

It's not even in colour!

Schindler’s List

one star reviews

“I’ve got a 42-inch LCD TV with Blu-ray, and it’s the business. I don’t expect to have to watch black-and-white films on it. Save up and buy a colour camera, Mr Spielberg, you moron! Then perhaps people will watch your stupid films.”

— David

So we're going to assume you didn't get to the bit with the red coat?

 

 

A misleading title

Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band by The Beatles

Sad Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band

one star reviews

“The title is very misleading. I thought I was buying an album called ‘Beatles’ by a brass band named ‘Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band’, only to learn when I got home and played it that it was the opposite.”

— Alf Tupper

You should try playing it backwards Alf, it's a whole new record!

 

Low expectations

Great Expectations by Charles Dickens

one star reviews

“Sorry, I haven’t read this one yet, so cannot comment.”

— Peggy

Come on Peggy! Put the effort in!

 

Stupid whale

Free Willy

one star reviews

"Went in to too much trouble to save the whale. The kid did. They should of killed the whale and ate it."

— Anon

Perhaps you're right, "Eat Willy" does have a ring to it...

 

One star

Toy Story 3

one star reviews

"Dont like tom hanks"

— Pen Name

Oh, come on now, poor Tom.

 

Ewwww

Emma  by Jane Austen

one star reviews

"I hate it. So boring. I fell asleep at the first page. its great if youre into that old 1800s kind of speech."

— Pen Name

Not content with insulting Tom Hanks, Pen Name has now moved onto Jane Austen. In another century someone will be falling asleep at this very sentence; unless they're into that old 2000s kind of speech.

 

Hate it

Wizard of Oz 

Surprised Wizard of Oz

one star reviews

"There's something about people breaking out into song and dance for every insogniffogant thing that really bugs me."

— Bob Marley

The real Bob Marley might have something to say about this!

 

Mega WTF!

Rumours by Fleetwood Mac

one star reviews

"I listened to this album, and my eardrums popped. Stevie Nicks' vocals are so high, he sounds like a girl. Seriously, sing like a man, like Chad Kroeger from Nickelback."

— Flaming Mudkipon

That Stevie Nicks, he's so great. Wait, what do you mean she's a woman? But her name's Steve?! Hang on, Chad Kroeger's definitely a bloke right?

 

Didn't keep my interest

Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy 

one star reviews

"Parts of the book were discussing political views nothing to do with Anna. It appeared their were many main characters not only Anna."

— Judy

Right, let's do this Judy. Let's rewrite Anna Karenina, but make it just about her. No other characters. No broader context. No fancy frocks. Just her, and maybe some cats.

 

Please smile Joni, it's only love

Blue by Joni Mitchell

one star reviews

"Joni sounds oh so sad and depressed on this album, like she lost her best friend. I want to paint her a happy face, and remind her there is so much more to life than unrequited love. Please Joni, keep your chin up, and smile, if only for a little while. Damn those blues away!!!!!!!!!!!."

— Anon

But why stop at Joni Mitchell? I'll supply the paintbrushes, we're gonna paint the world happy!

 

This books should be banned for 100 years in SOLITARY!!!

One Hundred Years of Solitude by Gabriel Garcia Marquez

one star reviews

"This book won the NOBEL Prize? I just can't help it, I need to write another review. This book should be placed in Solitary Confinement for 100 years. This is to save both time and trees used in printing of this book."

— Gis Phil

Just when you thought it couldn't get any more solitary.

 

(All the above statements were found on Amazon and are unedited.)

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